The Tiny House Trend Needs To Die Already

Tiny Houses Are Lame

You’ve found yourself watching HGTV or come across a pompous Buzzfeed article and there they are. A happy couple posed in front of their eclectic tiny house, most likely named Milo and Theodore. A pretentious title claims they are just loving life in their little home. “It’s so nice to reduce our footprint and contribute to a better world.” Shut. Up. The wide angled camera lens makes the interior of the place look so much bigger than it actually is. It’s inevitable that one of two things are bound to end eventually: the tiny house living or the relationship.

Newsflash, hipsters. You haven’t discovered the be-all, end-all of minimalist living. Tiny house living was not the answer everyone was looking for. A “tiny house” already exists. It’s called a studio apartment. It’s one giant room in an already-existing complex that kicks your tiny house to the curb. And depending on where you live, there’s a good chance it’s a cheaper option to your embarrassing 8′ x 20′ “home.”

Sure, it seems appealing up front. But hipsters and hippies alike tend to only see the surface of their unrealistic desires and neglect the problems within. Much like the gluten-free diet they eat that’s actually worse for their health, living in a tiny house has plenty of unseen issues.

The house probably only runs ~$10,000. But then you have to find land to put it on, and no, the backyard of your parents’ house is not acceptable. If you do find a plot of land for purchase at a reasonable price, you have to check with the town’s zoning laws to see if tiny house living is even allowed. Either it won’t be or there will be some sort of price to pay. Add that to the expense list.

And if all of that checks out, you have to run utilities to the tiny house, creating even more cost. Unless you’re one of those hippy hipsters who plans to live off the grid with no water or electricity. In that case, I don’t even want to know you exist. “Oh, I’ll just get a solar panel for my electricity needs.” Cool, I hope you have another $10,000.

Before you know it, your small, efficient investment for tiny house living is pushing 40-50k. That’s enough to get you a studio apartment, utilities included, for 4-5 years. And you can’t tell me you’ll be living in your tiny house for anytime longer than that. It’s just not realistic. You’ll drive yourself insane.

There are just so many simple, everyday actions that aren’t possible in the over-sized cardboard box. Try to wake up and stretch your arms out without busting your knuckles on the loft’s 4′ high ceilings. Let alone have sex in that little crawlspace. Who am I kidding, someone with a tiny house isn’t getting any.

No one over the age of 10 should be climbing a ladder up to their bed. But once you do make it down, you stumble into the shower that doesn’t cater to anyone over 6′. You struggle to pick out something to wear because your closet is only big enough to fit two of your faux fur statement pieces. You only have one option for breakfast because that’s all your dorm room sized fridge can fit.

What about cleaning? Please don’t tell me you’re washing your clothes in the river? Although, I should probably be happy you’re washing them at all. Sure, you can wash your dishes while sitting on couch, which is cool I guess. And helpful since you’ll be doing them a lot considering you only have three plates.

I suppose only hermits take the plunge into tiny house living. Good luck inviting guests over. Seating for two with awkward standing space for one. Sounds like a ball of a time. Not to mention the endless Q&A from your guests as they try to understand why someone would put themselves through this sentence.

Actually, I think it’s only practical for one person to live in such a small space. More that that and say goodbye to any alone time and hello to pointless arguments with underlying pleads for personal space. When your partner claims they “just need some space,” you’re not sure whether they want to end things or are sick of having to pee less than two feet away from where you’re preparing dinner.

Whatever, keep doing you, hipsters. If you ever need an escape from that claustrophobic house of yours, you’re welcome to stay at mine. I’m sure my bathroom will suite you well considering it’s larger than your whole place.

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22 · Washington, DC

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