The Timeline Of A Drunken eBay Bidding War


Maybe it’s after one too many drinks, or maybe it’s because you need a drink. Some item that you can’t directly purchase from your local mall catches your attention. Maybe it’s a Clark W. Griswold Blackhawks jersey. Maybe it’s a Don’t Tread On Me yellow flag to hang proudly on the boat that you don’t even own. Whatever the object is, it’s irrelevant. You’ve backed yourself into a corner and you need it right now. Where do you look for the single item that you so desperately need? Well, the place where people get rid of stuff they desperately don’t need: eBay. Here’s how it goes down in your alcohol-soaked mind.

11:15 p.m.: I’m sure I made a username for eBay once. Shit, what’s my password? Oh, my God. Why is my username WannaBaBalla21? Fucking high school.

11:16 p.m.: Okay, thank God for password retrieval. Wait, what’s my password for the email address? Damn it.

11:20 p.m.: I’m in. Geez, there are a lot of categories. I’ll just browse all of them.

11:22 p.m.: There it is, the holy grail. A signed Tom Cruise “Top Gun” poster. How do I know its not some forged shit? Oh wow, for only $20 more, this one comes with a separate authentication certificate. Totally worth it. Now I can prove any shit-talkers wrong.

11:23 p.m.: Bidding ends in 20 minutes? Perfect timing. I don’t wanna fuck with that “Buy It Now” option, I’ll get ripped off for sure.

11:24 p.m.: Damn, 16 previous bids. Who am I bidding against? TomCruiseLover. Damnit.

11:39 p.m.: Wait, it looks like he capped out. Time’s running out. Only 12 more minutes? Shit. Okay, enter a current bid. I’ll just start out $30 higher, so they know I’m not fucking around.

11:40 p.m.: Outbid? I don’t think so. Suck it, TopGunJunkie. Placing a higher bid right now. This is on my watch list.

11:33 p.m.: Who the fuck uses Comic Sans as his or her font anymore? And in the item description? Dumbass. Okay, only 10 minutes left. I’m the highest bidder still, thank God.

11:36 p.m.: Why is there a “Have One To Sell?” option? If I had one to sell, why would I buy one? I hate this site. I want a cigarette.

11:37 p.m.: Okay, six minutes. It’s crunch time. I’ll refresh this bad boy every 30 seconds from now on. I need a glass of wine.

11:40 p.m.: Three minutes. OUTBID? Are you serious? Okay, it’s not even worth it. I don’t even need it that bad. I’m $40 over what I said I would max out at.

11:41 p.m.: Fuck that guy, I’m all in. Current bid? $20 more, please. If someone outbids me, it’s a sign from God that I don’t need it.

11:42 p.m.: One minute left. I don’t think anyone else will even notice that I’m the highest bidder. I’ll win by default.

11:43 p.m.: Thirty seconds. Come on Internet, don’t fail me now. Please don’t stream Netflix right now, roommate.

11:44 p.m.: I won! Thank God. And only $60 more than I wanted. That’s a good deal. I’ll put this on the old PayPal account and pay for it in the morning.

8:40 a.m.: I just spent $85 dollars on a poster and I have nowhere to hang it. I might just back out of the deal. Does PayPal report to credit bureaus?

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is a single blonde female who spends her days campaigning for First Lady. She is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and Post Grad Problems.

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