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You start the night thinking that this one will be the best ever. The shots and drinks are flowing, and your selfie game is on point. The guy you’re dancing with is sooo hot (maybe?), and you know your friends are jealous. You vow to remember this night forever.
Then tragedy strikes.
You may be the most emotionless, feelings-hating girl in the room, but it doesn’t matter. The alcohol you’ve consumed has combined in a terrible swirl with all the thoughts you normally wouldn’t say out loud. Something pushes you over the edge. Most likely a simple trigger that under any other circumstances you would ignore. But not tonight. Your mind races with too many emotions and nowhere to put them. And then all of a sudden, you are Drunk Girl Crying.
This not-so-fun emotional sensation can, of course, be caused by any number of things, but luckily the majority fall into three main categories. So let’s break it down.
This is the type of crying where the dumbest things have made you upset for a seemingly inexplicable reason. The wildcard of the bunch, if you will. It usually occurs after a night of excessive drinking and often not until after bar close, and it’s probably accompanied by greasy drunk food. Maybe you played your favorite song on the jukebox multiple times and you found out your friends actually hate the song. Maybe you have convinced yourself that your bff likes her boyfriend more than you and that means your 7 years of friendship is over. Or maybe you love sour cream so much that your drunk mind thinks that it’s underrated by the majority of the population causing you to burst into tears. (This particular example actually happened to my friend about a month ago.) There are no solutions to stopping this type of Drunk Girl Crying, so if you or a friend are participating in this one, just let it run its course. And if you are a witness, don’t forget to document the ridiculousness for next-morning entertainment purposes.
“I Love You So Much!”
The happiest type of drunk crying, this version is most often directed at a best friend or significant other. It can strike at any point throughout the evening and typically includes the gushing of compliments and repeating of phrases along the lines of how much you love and care about the person you can’t stop hugging. The usual locations for this type of Drunk Girl Crying tend to be the dance floor or the bar bathroom, and they can occasionally progress into the inclusion of strangers like the girl who shared her lip stick when you couldn’t find yours.
Various triggers can include a throwback song being played by the DJ that reminds you of Spring Break senior year, seeing someone that you both have a mutual hatred for across the room, or really just any cute or kind action that Drunk You thinks is amazing in that moment. This one is short and sweet, and should only last the length of that 90’s hip-hop song before the actual happiness sans tears returns. And if you really need a solution, suggesting that you go do shots should work in your favor.
Something is actually wrong.
This one is probably the worst of the three types. It doesn’t have the entertainment value of Irrational Nonsense crying, and it’s a response to a negative experience or incident so the happiness of “I Love You So Much” crying is also absent. Typically you can pinpoint the background on this one, and if the tears don’t start right away, there is often a visible build to the breaking point. Perhaps you dropped your phone into the toilet or you broke a heel, fell down, and twisted your ankle. Maybe you got into a legit fight with your boyfriend/sister/coworker. Or maybe your friends were being assholes all night bitching about the bar choice, not participating in drinking or karaoke, and your ride left without telling you and it started raining as you walked back to your boyfriend’s apartment.
Ideally, the solution to this one is talking it out and offering advice/answers, although the person crying is probably not completely on board with hearing your logic. But in my experience, offering a drink such as a glass of champagne is also a good comforting option.
Gentlemen, I promise we really don’t like crying, especially in public. But sometimes the world is against us and it becomes unavoidable. I’m not saying you can’t make fun of the girl doing the Drunk Girl Crying (because I definitely do) just try to remember that there’s about a 33% chance that her reasoning for doing so is real. .
Image via Hulu / The Bachelor