The Texas Rangers Are Trying To Kill Everyone With Their All-Fried, All-Bacon Concession Stands

They did it. The Texas Rangers went ahead and did it. Those bold sons-of-bitches weren’t gonna just stand by and let some Minor League Baseball team take the over-the-top concession spotlight with the Donut Dog, nor were they gonna let the Arizona Diamondbacks have all the fun with the Churro Dog.

Hell, they weren’t even content to be the first team to break the $20 Hot Dog Barrier with the “Boomstick,” the two-foot long $26 monstrosity smothered in chili, cheese, caramelized onions, and the subject of most of my food-fantasies. (By the way, they sold about 20,000 of those tasty-looking motherfuckers, so joke’s on you, preachy healthy eaters.)

No, they’ve just straight one-upped EVERYONE in the baseball concessions game by just saying “fuck it” and opening up the greatest ballpark concession option known to man: an all-fried food stand. Just fried food. That’s it.

Shawn Mattox, general manager of Delaware North, the concessionaire for the Texas Rangers, told today that fans at Rangers games this season will find a new stand called State Fare, a tribute to famous fried foods at the great State Fair of Texas.

“Fried items in the past haven’t done as well as we’ve hoped, and we think that’s because there hasn’t been one location to find it,” Mattox said. “We’ve now solved that problem.”

You’re goddamn right you solved that problem, you red-blooded American, you. Delicious, glorious, artery-clogging fried food will be available easily and readily at State Fare, which, coincidentally, is where I wrote in my will that I want to be buried. The featured item at this stand will no doubt be the “Fried S’mOreo,” which is marshmallows breaded in graham cracker crust that is deep fried, mixed with two deep-fried Oreos on a skewer and drizzled with chocolate sauce and Cool Whip, for the low, low price of $8. We got a picture of that? You bet your ass we do.

Texas Rangers Are Trying To Kill Us All By Opening All Fried Booth, All Bacon Booth

Holy shit on a shingle, I need new pants. Also available? A chicken-fried corn on the cob fried in a buttermilk batter, fried pickles, funnel cake fries and brisket macaroni-and-cheese balls. Do they open lines of credit just for this concession? I’d get one.

Texas Rangers Are Trying To Kill Us All By Opening All Fried Booth, All Bacon Booth

That’s not all. After the success of selling bacon on a stick last season, the Rangers are opening up a “Just Bacon” stand, trying to capitalize real hard on the bacon craze.

“Bacon has been trending for a long time now, but the popularity hasn’t died down,” Mattox said. That stand will feature candied bacon, bacon cotton candy, and bacon beer, just to complete the motif. Where can I get some of that Bacon Beer? Asking for myself.

The Texas Rangers just upped the ballpark snack game once again. Who’s gonna try and top them next? Maybe some stadium can just inject you with a buttermilk batter IV or start doing cookie dough-flavored enemas. I don’t know; I’m not a chef.

[via ESPN Dallas-Fort Worth]

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