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Being responsible for your health is a terrible burden. I relied on my mom to schedule all my doctors’ appointments, care for my mental health, and make sure I didn’t destroy my body all the way up until I graduated college. So when I was forced to start doing it on my own, some oversights proceeded.
While I would generally classify myself as a healthy person, there have been notable moments of poor judgement that have landed me in a waiting room chair with a plastic ID bracelet around my wrist. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes, or at least get a good laugh out of my misery from the terrible reasons I’ve ended up in the ER.
I fell Victim to a Teatoxing Scam
I know that Instagram probably isn’t the best resource for health purposes, but I was blinded by the prospect of shedding a few pounds and feeling revitalized. After seeing Teatox ads multiple times, I decided to take the plunge and give it a go. The distributors assured me that after a week, I would be feeling like a new person. At the time, I wasn’t aware that my Teatox kit came from overseas. Created in a place where there’s no FDA regulating what can and cannot be put into food products. About four days into my “cleanse” I was at a brewery tour with my brother and his wife and I ended up keeled over in the bathroom with everything inside of my body trying to get out by any means necessary. I trip to the ER confirmed that I had a lovely staph infection in my lower intestines that was most definitely caused by my miracle teas. In the end, I did lose weight, but it was because I couldn’t keep any food down for 72 hours.
I Took Prenatal Vitamins While Not Pregnant
Clearly, I have no qualms with putting just about anything in my body without thinking about it. A Pinterest post showed up on my feed proclaiming that taking pre-natal vitamins while not pregnant can make your hair grow faster. Always a sucker for quick solutions, I headed over to CVS and bought a nice big bottle of pre-natals. A few weeks into my new hair-care regime, I started feeling not so great. At some point, I had teatox flashbacks as I laid on the bathroom floor hoping for a quick death. Another trip to the ER lead to the discovery that I had overdosed on iron. The thing about pre-natal vitamins, they’re designed for two people to be pulling from. My very empty womb had caused my body to absorb all the nutrients I was taking in. I should have just taken some biotin or invested in hair extensions. It would have been cheaper than my deductible.
I Thought I was Having a Heart Attack
If there’s one thing I should come to terms with as I get older, it’s the fact that my stomach can no longer exist on my “Child’s Birthday Party” diet. Part of what spurred the revelation was my recent trip to the local ER for a supposed heart attack. At the time, I was a 22-year-old, 124 lb. female, who didn’t smoke, didn’t have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, or any family history of heart problems. All of this put me at a less than 2% risk of cardiovascular problems. The triage nurse took one look at me and my chart when I came in, and gave me an eye roll. I waited hours to finally see a doctor, all while panicking about dropping dead on the floor as my heart stopped beating. Finally, it was determined that the extra-large bag of kettle corn, two chili dogs, and multiple beers I had consumed earlier that day had led to an acute case of heart burn. I was advised to take some over the counter antacids and to stop clamoring for emergency medical help at the drop of a hat.
I Unintentionally Overdosed on Prescription Pain Killers
After having my wisdom teeth out, I had a handful of OxyContin left over post-surgery. You’re supposed to dispose of these extra pills in a specified medication bin at a health center, but just like 99.9% of the population, I held onto those suckers. I forgot about them for a while, until terrible period cramps brought them back into my mind. I popped one and waited for my screaming muscles to relax. In the biggest rookie mistake of my life, I decided maybe one just wasn’t enough, one more should do the trick. The cramps started to dissipate, and I was feeling fabulous. Maybe 30 minutes after the initial dosage though, something was off. The room was swimming and I felt like my entire body was slowing down. In what I later learned was my only cognizant decision of that day, I was able to get to the bathroom and make myself throw up. Later in the ambulance, I had to keep repeating to the EMT that this was very much not a suicide attempt. I can’t help it that I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina.
I Lost my Health Insurance
In today’s political climate, healthcare coverage is a hot topic. Regardless of where you stand, everyone can recognize that not having healthcare really sucks. Even with a bachelor’s degree and a full-time job, I still found myself with no health insurance, and stuck in a waiting period to buy on the open market. Unfortunately, all my prescription drugs ran out shortly after I became uninsured, and my old out of state primary care doctor wouldn’t refill them for me (bitch.) I sat in the ER waiting room with people keeled over in pain and someone being wheeled through on a gurney, only to finally be seen and ask for a birth control prescription. The doctor had gone from stitching up some bloody lacerations to having a clearly ill-informed woman ask him for some Loestrin. A 30-day supply ended up costing over $100, not including the price of the visit. Turns out there’s a place called Planned Parenthood where they’ll give you birth control for little to no cost. Whoops!
I encourage you to WebMD some stuff before you rush to seek instant medical service. Or tweet me @kellchoi and we can panic about how you’re going to die together..
Image via Shutterstock
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Kell
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Nothing worse than thinking you have a roaring case of appendicitis, only to find out you just have a lot of gas….
I’m confused, girls don’t fart so how did you have gas?
Well, since they don’t fart, they had all this gas building inside of them with no way to get out. This puts pressure on their internal organs, which is a sensation similar having appendicitis. This was all explained in an episode from the medical docu-series “House”
I think it was a medical mystery situation
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I went to the ER on April 1st last year, thinking I had appendicitis. Turned out to be gas, confirmed after I’d convinced a panel of doctors I wasn’t there just for painkillers. If I could extract any moral from that story, it’s “don’t go to the ER on April Fools’ Day.”
This is actually more common than you would think
I actually do the opposite where I try to convince myself that everything is fine and totally normal and will go away on its own, only to finally cave in and go to the doctor to find out that everything is not fine.
I can’t stop thinking the phrase “wide set vagina.”
Dude that quote is from Mean Girls please tell me you knew that
Earlier this year, I became convinced that I was having heart problems and needed to see a doctor. I begged for an EKG and the doctor sighed and obliged. My heart was apparently in mint condition. Then, I got the bill for the unnecessary EKG.
My freshman year of college, I got blacked out one night. By 7 pm, my hangover wouldn’t go away. Since I couldn’t remember the night before, I got really worried that I had a concussion so I decided to go to the ER. They ran some tests on me, gave me some apple juice and told me that I was just really hung over and not to drink as much next time. Fun times.
7 pm the next day.*
Yeah but now how much would you pay to guarantee a hangover goes away by 7:00 pm?
Now, I don’t think that I’m capable of drinking enough to keep me hung over until 7 pm the next day.
Totally thought I was having a heart attack at 16 and went to the ER. The doctor, who I’ve known my whole live, took one look at me told me it was a panic attack and to calm down and get the fuck out of his ER.
Urgent Care centers work just as good as ER’s and they’re both cheaper and faster.
This. As a hospital administrator I beg everyone to please use urgent cares instead of the ER. Your bill will be at least 5x lower
Kell Choi, recently there were news stories about women sticking wasp nests in their hoohas too tighten them up or somethin’. That shit doesn’t work. That is what we in the biz call a free one. You’re welcome.
I was in the frat house backyard, too drunk to catch a football, which broke/dislocated my finger. I got a cast put on in the ER and told girls fake news about how I broke my finger, the rest of the weekend.
So many injuries in the frat house. I fell off a couch tower in mine and had to go to the hospital.
threw a beer can with my finger inside the hole, cut to the bone. not fun explaining that one.
My buddy in college left a bar by himself and somehow tripped and knocked himself out on a curb. A couple of random guys found him and took him to the ER a little while later. He woke up after a few hours with a big cut in his ear/head and freaked the fuck out. He was promptly tasered and beaten with billy clubs by the cops at the hospital then taken to jail. His mom was an ER nurse and read the whole report. I’ll never see another ass chewing like that before, it was miraculous.
We thought it’d be fun to have an Oklahoma drill in our 3rd floor hallway. Cracked my head on the baseboard and had to get stitches.
As someone who’s currently cutting his teeth working in a busy, inner-city emergency department, I’ll say that: 1) You’re not the worst type of person to come through the ED (that’s reserved for the pain med seekers, drunks and extreme hypochondriacs…the amount of ridiculous stories I have over the past three years is insane) and 2) Every nurse and doctor that treated you definitely made fun of you behind your back.
Also: The ED is nothing like the show “ER” or the “Night Shift”…well at least 90% of the time.
Can confirm. We definitely make fun of patients who do harmless dumb things. You people absolutely make our days, I promise we don’t hate you.