The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week


My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

  • “British people are just as dumb as we are, they just have a salt-and-pepper beard on their voices.”
  • “Have you ever vomited so hard you shit yourself? Okay, let me back up. So I was at my niece’s fifth birthday party…”
  • “Fuck her? I hardly know her…wait, that doesn’t work.”
  • “I think bin Laden was being funded by the passenger train lobby.”
  • “Don’t ever trust an email you get on a Tuesday.”
  • “Any party can be an ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ party if you wear a mask and don’t mind creeping everybody out.”
  • “I write down stuff I don’t want anyone else to know in a code, but I usually forget the code and I end up with a bunch of gibberish.”
  • To our friend’s girlfriend: “I don’t care if that offends you, I’m not trying to have sex with you.”
  • “Premature ejaculation? I don’t know, man, when I ejaculate it pretty much always feels like the right time to do it.”
  • “I bet Hitler was just super hammered when he told his men to kill all the Jews, and the next day was like, ‘You guys did what?!’ ”
  • “I was walking by and this building was on fire. Now, the fire isn’t normally there, so there were a lot of people standing around looking at it.”
  • “His and her condoms? More like…shit, I figured I would’ve thought of a punchline by the time I got to this part.”
  • “Have you ever dropped acid and then babysat a toddler? It’s fucking weird, man.”
  • To a girl at the bar: “Look, my dick might not be the biggest, but I’ve got a fuck ton of quarters back at the house that you can just have.”
  • “Look, if you don’t count the Holocaust…”
  • “The best part about having sex when you’re really drunk is that you always get to fuck twins.”


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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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