The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 1/14

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My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

  • “You say calling a girl a cunt is offensive, but if I call her ‘my cunt,’ it’s oddly romantic.”
  • “I just right-swiped a llama on Tinder. It wasn’t an accident.”
  • “I feel like I’ve read a hundred times that I should start looking for women in places like grocery stores and bookshops instead of in bars if I really want to meet someone interesting. Who the fuck has ever met his soulmate in a grocery store? That’s fucking weird.”
  • “Baboons are assholes, and we need to quit pretending like they’re not just because Rafiki was a chill bro.”
  • 1: “Did you know Mickey Avalon used to suck dick for money?” 2: “Better than sucking dick for dick, I guess.” 1: “That’s racist.”
  • “I bet Moses could’ve gotten everyone out of there without killing any firstborns if he would’ve just offered to buy out the Jews’ contract and go over the salary cap for one season.”
  • “I turned a woman gay in a dream I had last night. Should I be worried?”
  • “Why would anyone buy a vacation cabin in the woods? Have they not seen movies? I stay home and save my money, because who’s ever heard of a creepy guy with a chainsaw going on a rampage in a lower-middle class apartment complex?”
  • 1: “If Andrew Jackson thought about women he hated while he stroked Old Hickory, I bet he called it the Spank Bank of the United States.” 2: “You’re trying too hard.”
  • “Any of you butt-birds wanna be my plus one to a wedding next month? There’s an open bar and prime rib at the reception. All you have to do is pretend to be my life partner so we don’t get busted.”
  • “This Cuban chick is causing a missile crisis in my pants.”
  • “I was so inefficient about masturbation when I was a kid. I wish I could go back and teach 12-year-old me how to jerk it right.”
  • “I wanna find Dez Bryant, cuddle him into my arms, and tell him that he’s a beautiful human being and that everything is gonna be okay.”
  • “Fuck no, I don’t want him on my team. That guy has the reflexes of an avocado.”
  • “I’m gonna start referring to pot as grass. It makes me feel like a rough and tumble ‘70s cop who’s too busy cracking skulls to notice his marriage is falling apart.”
  • “I’m not a smoker, I’m just practicing sucking the fart out of Jessica Alba’s ass.”

I know. I’m not sure why I’m friends with them, either. Actually, yes I am. I say shit that’s just as idiotic. In fact, a couple of these are actually quotes from me. And no, I will not tell you which ones. Our whole group is silly.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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