The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 11/25

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My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

  • “She made a Mighty Ducks reference earlier today, and she’s also into butt stuff, so at this point I’m pretty much just ring shopping.”
  • “Even people who live in Jacksonville want that stupid team to go to London.”
  • “When’s the threshold for farting in front of a girl? First date, or in bed after having sex on the first date?”
  • “Jesus never had to put up with this shit.”
  • “I take patty melts more seriously than most people care about their children.”
  • “I wonder if I’d be getting more tail if I had kept my Livestrong bracelet.”
  • “You could make a movie that’s an hour and a half of Jessica Biel taking a shit, and I’d watch it. Probably after it came out on DVD, but I’d watch it.”
  • “I wanna date a punk rock chick, but like after she’s mellowed out and works at an insurance company.”
  • “I’ve forgotten more information about Christian Slater’s acting career than I’ve ever known about politics.”
  • “Here’s the problem with that idea. I really, really don’t wanna do it.”
  • “Do you think Angelina ever wakes up in the morning and has a quick moment where she’s like, ‘Omg, that’s Brad Pitt’s boner.’?”
  • “The Goo Goo Dolls are better than The Beatles, and I am prepared to defend that statement until I die at the hands of every music critic ever.”
  • “The jackass store called, they want their ‘everything about your personality’ back.”
  • “I feel like me and Denzel could be friends. Not like groomsmen in each other’s wedding friends, but like secret handshake friends.”
  • “What’s the deal with airline food? I’ll tell you what’s the deal, Seinfeld. You’re eating a multi-course meal inside a flying metal building in the sky. That’s what’s the fucking deal with airline food, you unappreciative ass.”
  • “I’ve been peer pressured into using emojis, and I have no one to blame but myself.”
  • 1: “You think there’s any dried up Clinton jizz left on Air Force One?”
    2: “You talk too much about presidential masturbation.”
    1: “Don’t you mean just enough?” 2: “I do not.”
  • “I can’t wait until the PC police come up with a reason that I can’t call you an asshole.”
  • “I’m gonna release an album of me autotuning my farts. See you fuckers at the top of Billboard.”
  • “You think Ray J would’ve had more success after the sex tape if his ass had been bigger?”
  • 1: “Step into my office.”
    2: “This is the bathroom.”
    1: “Exactly.”
  • “I texted this girl I’m trying to get rid of that I wanna fuck her from behind while she stares at her old yearbook picture, and she said yes. What do I do now?”

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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