The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week


My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

  • “What if the Koreans were right, and our ceiling fans start killing us in the middle of the night?”
  • While watching a Kia commercial: “Yeah, I’d definitely fuck that mouse.”
  • “I’d be a great bouncer if I was about five inches taller and a hundred pounds heavier.”
  • “When you think about it, golf is really fucking dumb. Actually…every sport is really fucking dumb. Why do I spend so much time thinking about all this dumb shit?”
  • “Do you think Captain Hook ever forgot about his hook and accidentally stabbed his scrote while he was trying to take a piss?”
  • “I take pretty much any opportunity to scare birds that I’m given.”
  • “I’ve never understood why bending spoons with your mind is some big deal. Like, we’ve been able to do that using heat for centuries. That’s not solving any problems.”
  • “Look, if the air mattress is gonna pop when I jump onto it, then it should have a sign on it fucking warning me. Not my fault.”
  • “Do you think Marcy Playground is still proud of ‘Sex and Candy’ at this point?”
  • “Building codes don’t make any sense. If I want to build a shitty brick house that may or may not collapse and crush me, that’s my own damn business.”
  • “I don’t get why girls dressing slutty on Halloween is something we care about at all. I can watch porn whenever the fuck I want.”
  • “Oh sure, we have the same birthday. Next thing I know, you’re gonna be telling me we have the same Christmas, too.”
  • “Dude, come–the last thing I need right now is to get kicked out of another Quiznos.”
  • “Why does everyone have such a hard time executing breakups? Just tell it like it is: ‘Your face and/or personality aren’t really doin’ it for me anymore.’ ”
  • “Do they actually explain why anyone would be afraid of Virginia Woolf in that play? Because I don’t think I’d ever be scared of anyone with that name. You can just tell me. I’m never gonna see it.”
  • “Al Roker seems like the kind of guy who’s into some really weird shit, sexually.”
  • “I honestly can’t remember the last time I went to church not hungover.”
  • “Irish folk music works for any movie soundtrack. Space pirates are in a massive battle to save the galaxy from gloopy alien things? Celtic Woman, please.”
  • “Leaves are weird, man. Like, sometimes, we roll around in them when they fall from trees, and sometimes, we cover them in dressing and just eat ‘em. Doesn’t make any damn sense.”
  • “Goddammit, Knox, quit writing this shit down.”

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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