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It’s with a heavy heart and a sullen voice that I admit to you that my “Sober January” has officially ended. It ended promptly on January 1st around 12:10 a.m. when I went to the bar at The Blue Nile in New Orleans. Reluctantly, I took a shot of Fireball that officially ended what could’ve been 31 straight days of sobriety resulting in a refreshed psyche, a little extra room in my relaxed fit pleated Dockers, and even more room in my bank account.
Unfortunately, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. But that doesn’t mean it has to come to an end for you.
Sober January is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s going to take endurance, willpower, and a lot of distraction to make it to the end of the month without touching a drink. It’s time to put your blinders up, hunker down, and strive to be the best version of yourself before you can finally get absolutely obliterated on February 1st (which is a Thursday, by the way).
Here’s how.
Find something to binge.
The month of January is 744 hours long. The entire series of Game of Thrones is only 63.5 hours long. Harry Potter movies will only last you 21 hours and 52 minutes. Even 121 hours of Friends will leave you with too much time on your hands.
So, uh, yeah, you’ve got some time to fill.
Luckily, there’s no shortage of things to watch to make you forget about how bad you want to get drunk. Not only did Season 4 of Black Mirror come out at the end of December, but Netflix is adding a ton of watch-able series and movies this month – including but not limited to: all three Godfathers, Caddyshack, Love Actually, Midnight in Paris, every Lethal Weapon, a bunch of Batman movies, Shawshank, Truman Show, Training Day, Wedding Crashers, and Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
Oh, and the entire series of The Sopranos is always on HBO Go. Figure it out and go all in.
Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” all weekend.
The human race’s worst enemy is the Friday afternoon “what’re we getting into tonight?” iMessage or gchat. If there was a moratorium on texting between the hours of 2 p.m. on Friday and 9 p.m. on Friday night, we’d all be healthier and skinnier people.
Imagining harnessing the feeling of sending that “I’m not going out this weekend” text that you send every Monday morning while fighting your two-day hangover. That’s the mentality you need when you wake up feeling refreshed on a Saturday morning. Most of the time, staying in on a Friday night is just a front. You’re being fake-responsible well-knowing that you’re just going to end up going even harder come Saturday. Fighting that very feeling for four straight January 2018 weekends is a kingmaker.
Once you tune out the fuzz, you can finally take the next step.
Get a group text going with others in the same boat.
Misery loves company. Fire up a group text with the two other couples you know who’ve decided to torture themselves for the 31 days this month. When you’re feeling restless, shoot off a “What’re you guys up to?” and get some motivation back in response. Just pray they don’t fall off the wagon.
Whether these people are doing Whole 30, Sober January, or are just training for a half-marathon because of some half-ass New Year’s Resolution they made, January is pretty much the trendiest month to be temporarily sober. There shouldn’t be any shortage of friends to textually sulk with – and if there is, that either means you’re 23 and reckless (congratulations) or your larger group of friends is so responsible that “Sober January” isn’t a thing (again, congratulations).
Pick up a hobby.
People will tell you that the most difficult part of Sober January is not drinking. Obviously. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. The most difficult part is fighting the boredom and figuring out how to fill your time that’s otherwise spent 1) drinking, 2) passed out or 3) doing mindless tasks while brutally hungover.
The most major issue here is that, well, it’s fucking January. There’s literally not much else to do besides drink heavy beers in dark bars trying to avoid the cold while Bob Seger and J. J. Cale play in the background. Finding a hobby in January isn’t as easy as it is in July. You can’t just drive somewhere and pick up fly fishing or head to the park for some pick-up basketball.
Which is why it’s indoor activities only. We’re talking kombucha brewing and knitting. Drawing and coffee roasting. Couponing and macrame. Yoga and blogging. Photography and redecorating. Sure, you’re going to turn into the most insufferable version of yourself, but distraction is key.
(And sometimes kombucha even has a little alcohol in it, but that can just be our little secret.)
Buy some weed.
Hey, everyone needs a head change every once in a while. It all just depends on what your definition of “sober” is. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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I’ve done a couple sober stretches and it’s actually pretty wild how good you feel. never once have I woken up on a Saturday morning and thought, “man, I wish I drank 15 beers last night.”
that being said, I can’t wait until February 1st.
Already started on the last 2. It’s day 5 and so far I’ve macramed a shotgun sling, a new belt, and a new puppy training toy. Man, this fiber feels cool in my hands…which look weird now that I think about it. How weird are hands, y’all?
i was fully amped for my january whole30 until i remembered the eagles are in the playoffs next week, so unless anyone has any advice on how to enjoy football without drinking heavily and consuming copious amounts of wings, looks like i’ll be ending early.
You should just wait until after next weekend to start your diet because it’s not like the Eagles will play football on more than one weekend this month.
Don’t count Big Dick Nick out just yet!
Will did mention you could pick up some ganja. However that may make it tough to not devour 24 wings in a sitting.
I always keep January as a drinking month and skip to February to start a sober 28 days since it’s the shortest month of the year.
Red wine.
Red wine doesn’t count.
If you can have it when you’re pregnant, you can certainly have it during sober January
Being sick the first week and having your core friends gone half the month helps. The Do Not Disturb is a must because people will assume you’re suddenly a free uber.
I’m planning on spending half my discretionary income on beer and 30 cent wings at Croxleys during the Bills game and I could not be more excited.
You’ll be able to start your sober January after this weekend.
with my team in the playoffs and my company holiday party being delayed until next week, my Dry January is canceled. I’ll try again in February, after the Super Bowl.
Shortest month of the year. We know what you’re doing.
Spending January sober sounds like an incredible concept, but as a single 26 year old male, I cannot fathom going on any type of date without some type of alcohol involved.
It’s negative a million degrees outside. No chance I’m staying sober through that.
I have a keg of dry irish-style stout in the kegerator we didn’t finish over Xmas so it wasn’t gonna happen. I was so hungover from NYE that I didn’t drink hard alcohol until the 4th, though.