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There is no joy quite like that of going back to your college town for a weekend of reliving your glory days. You’re sensible. You know that doesn’t happen often. So watching the living slideshow of drunk girls on the weekends comes in as a close second.
The Crier
When they say alcohol releases all of your inhibitions, this girl takes it personally. The girl is clearly having a rough time right now as she and her boyfriend are mid-breakup, mid-makeup, mid-hookup, and/or he’s completely nonexistent. In the beginning, you hope maybe she’s just hormonal. She’s not. The girl just cries. She gets voted “Most Likely To Claim Her Life Is So Hard” although there are starving kids in Africa and she just bought 10 of her closest friends tequila shots because “that asshole.”
The Friendly One
The subject of Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok,” she believes the party doesn’t start ’til she walks in. She also thinks she is a local celebrity. The girl never meets a stranger. Ever. She gets voted “Most Likely To Play Six Degrees Of Separation With Randos Until They Are Rando No Mo’.” You’ve witnessed this girl make connections with people even if the connection is the cousin of the boyfriend of the roommate of this girl you had western civilization with your sophomore year. “I think her name was Jessica? Yeah, her.”
The Stranger You Don’t Know But Automatically Dislike For No Reason At All
There is literally no reason why you hate her, but her presence makes you feel dirty and irrationally angry. You have to internally talk yourself down off the cliff that is externally throwing a couple of right hooks and a rogue knee at the girl. She gets voted “Most Likely To Give Side-Eye About.” Two weeks from now, you’ll bond and she’ll be your new drinking buddy, but for some reason, you still hate her. Girl logic.
The Girl Who Can’t Hold Her Liquor
I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, or what you do–everyone knows this girl. She gets voted “Most Likely To Claim She Can Keep Up With a 6 foot 3, 200 Pound Man.” Her favorite line is, “I can drink you under the table.” She, in fact, cannot. Although it is fun to watch her spiral, rock bottom is something you’d prefer not to see due to the gross amount of bodily fluids she is about to unleash. Run. Save yourselves.
“Baby”
Nobody puts Baby in the corner? Wrong. Baby is more than happy to put herself in the corner because that is the easiest place to pout. She gets voted “Most Likely To Draw Negative Attention To Herself When She Doesn’t Get Her Way.” Baby will sit in a dark, empty corner of the bar by herself until her friends eventually and reluctantly talk themselves into asking the most regrettable question known to mankind: “What’s wrong?” Hope you brought a strong drink with you, because you’re about to learn her entire life story.
Your New Best Friend
This is the girl you meet in the bathroom, and she instantly becomes your bathroom buddy. Why is there always such a long line to the girls’ room? I’ll tell you why. We just met the fifth bridesmaid in our future wedding, that’s why. She gets voted “Most Likely To Share A Stall With You,” and the two of you will bond over the fact she overheard you and the friend you brought with you to the bathroom talking shit about Katie. She knows Katie, too, and how much of a hot mess Katie is. Hope your iPhone has at least a 32 percent charge, because you’re about to follow and friend each other on at least three social media platforms.
Respond
@lnsayers
@lnsayers
“Why is there always such a long line to the girls’ room? I’ll tell you why.”
Cocaine?
Close. Heroin.
The crier is the worst type of drunk person, period. Even worse than “Bro who only works on glamour muscles and wants to start a fight at every bar” – AKA Mike The Situation.
I am my own new best friend.