The Six Stages Of Watching A Food Documentary

The Six Stages Of Watching A Food Documentary

These are scary times we live in. I’m not talking about the political landscape. Everyday news breaks that something we’ve been eating for seemingly ever is bad for us. Like, “will be the primary reason we die” bad for us.

Some of these findings have been rather obvious, though. No shit I shouldn’t eat at McDonald’s three meals a day. I didn’t need to watch a Big Mac fail to decompose after 10 years in a lab somewhere to realize that. Did you know Coca-Cola has the ability to remove rust from chrome? If you didn’t, you’re welcome for that life hack. The point is, sometimes you don’t need visual proof to come to terms with something being bad for you.

However, it appears everyone that owns a camera these days is ready to pick apart the food industry one item at a time. You can’t go two minutes browsing through Netflix without coming across a dozen new food documentaries. They are listed in damn near every category, including horror. Not really, but they damn well should be.

Once upon a time, you would send your child to visit prison for a day to keep their lives on the straight and narrow. Nowadays food documentaries have become the go-to source as the new scared straight. They are like car crashes – you don’t want to watch yet you can’t look away.

I. Can’t. Stop. Watching.

Here are the phases of watching a food documentary:


We all want to believe what we eat on a daily basis isn’t poisoning our bodies. Why would food companies put anything detrimental to my long-term health into their products? We’re living in a society, people.

When I come across a title declaring war on the food industry, I first think to myself: “Great, just what the world needs, yet another conspiracy theorist. How dare someone question the integrity of the American food pyramid?”

At the same time, I’ve already watched ‘The Office’ enough to recite every line in every episode. Maybe I can spare 90 minutes to see what this environmentalist has to say. After all, I’ll probably get a good laugh from these tree huggers pushing their make-believe agenda on me.

Let me just go pick up a double cheeseburger, fries and a milkshake before starting. 90 minutes is a long time, I better super-size that order…

What do these filmmakers know anyway?

My parents were raised on spam for breakfast and red meat for dinner, and they turned out fine. These filmmakers don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.

Cavemen used to eat nuts and berries every day and died at what, 30? We’re living a whole hell of a lot longer eating pop tarts, bologna sandwiches, and Taco Bell.

Check out this doctor talking now with a dozen degrees behind him on the wall. Talk about a waste of time and money if you ended up in this indie film. Get off the higher education horse you rode in on and give it to a ranch owner to help keep cattle in line so I can have steak for dinner.


You know, it is kind of odd that none of the major food companies are accepting these interview requests. Why not just get in front of the camera and put these filmmakers in their place once and for all?

In the very beginning, we were introduced to a guy who couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs and was taking a dozen medications a day for diabetes. Now they’ve caught up with him six months later after switching to a plant-based diet and he looks like an Instagram model.

You’re telling me by simply changing my diet I could reverse any existing damage I’ve already done to my body and give it a fresh start? I’m not completely sold on this sorcery, but I’d like to see more. Go on…

What. the. fuck.

They’re putting what in milk to keep it fresh? Why are they adding that to corn fertilizer? How many chickens are in that cage? Why is the American Heart Association taking donations from companies that are counterproductive toward their efforts? Who thought the Western civilization diet was a good idea to begin with? Is anyone regulating anything in our food?

I need to write a strongly worded letter to my local congressman immediately.

I’m treating my body like a temple from here on out.

I’ve seen enough! I’m going food shopping tomorrow and turning my life around.

No more bacon for breakfast. No more processed meat sandwiches for lunch. No more fast food stops on the way home from work for dinner. No more red meat at all. No more non-organic vegetables. It’s time to put my health first and live forever.

Give me a week and I’ll be the poster boy of health.

Forget waiting until tomorrow, I’m starting right now!

Back on my bullshit.

Let me just watch an episode of The Office quick and then I’ll start. Five episodes and a Netflix “Are you still watching?” notification later, I’m feeling like my old self again. Let me just grab a carton of ice cream and a spoon before I fire up the next episode.

Healthy can’t possibly feel as good as spraying this entire can of whipped cream directly into my mouth does.

Yes, Netflix, I am still watching and would appreciate it if you didn’t recommend any health food documentaries going forward. That was a close call. I didn’t recognize myself for a few minutes there.

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If you take everything I've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent!

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