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Remember your eighteenth birthday? The clock struck midnight, and you and your friends wandered over to the nearest 7-11 to purchase cigarettes and lotto tickets like the grownups you were. You had a party in someone’s basement, and as you lifted your plastic cups of Captain and Coke, you made a toast to “officially being an independent adult.” You probably meant it, too. In your idiot adolescent brain, the fact that your parents still paid for your entire life didn’t matter, once you hit that magical age, you were an official adult. Now, many years later, we know that’s not true. These are the stages of independence from being a child to being a full-fledged adult, and to be honest, most of us still haven’t reached all of them.
Living alone.
The first, and one of the biggest, steps. Nothing makes you feel like more of an adult than that first moment when your parents are done helping you move into your dorm or apartment and you realize that you can truly do whatever you want in your home (unless the RA catches you). You’ll probably immediately use this newfound independence to get shit-faced drunk, eat dessert for dinner, skip class, and try and bang anything you can convince to come home with you. Sure, it’s all a façade, as your parents pay for that housing, and your meal plan, and your tuition, and every other bill in your life. But goddamn does it feel like you’re on your own.
Car payments/cable bill.
I’m lumping these together because they’re fun bills. Sure, you could have kept your 2002 Corolla, but you wanted to feel like a baller in a 2012 Fusion. You could have continued to watch the five basic cable channels you got through your TV antenna, but you wanted to live that HD NFL Sunday Ticket lifestyle. It sucks that your parents won’t pay for you to live like a big shot, but at least these bills are fun. You get to elevate your lifestyle and brag about how “you pay for yourself” while actually paying for a very small portion of yourself.
Paying your own rent.
Now we’re getting somewhere. For me, this stage occurred roughly 72 hours after I walked across the stage for my college graduation. For those even more spoiled than I am, this could take years after graduation to arrive. But arrive it will, and you’re going to have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, you’re going to lose a significant portion of your paychecks every month and not get anything tangible in return. I mean, you’ll be getting a place to live, but you’ve always had that, now it’s just costing you money. On the other hand, once you get over the shock of how expensive living is, reaching this stage comes with a definite sense of pride. You’ve officially transferred over from living on your parents’ dime to the “your parents are helping you out” stage. You’re an adult, but just barely.
Paying your own insurance.
Shit, dude. You’re, like, a grownup, man. This is the hardest stage to accept, and as someone who just turned 26 and paid his first premiums this month, I am not a fan. Sure, I’ve been paying my car insurance for years, but goddamn is health insurance more expensive. You’re dropping hundreds a month just to pay more money for a doctor “in case” you get sick? That’s a bunch of bullshit. This is the first bill you pay that truly gives you nothing fun in return. Your rent gives you a dope apartment, your car payments give you your sweet ride, but these bills. These bills give you nothing but a slight sense of security and less money for bar tabs. Welcome to adulthood.
Being on your own phone bill.
The day you’ve been dreading since your dad “casually” brought up how expensive the family plan is several Thanskgivings ago. If you have younger siblings, you can probably ride this out for years, maybe even into your late twenties. If you’re the last child remaining on the family plan, you’re likely going to have to pay for your own minutes soon enough. This stage stings the worst, both because it means you’re officially all on your own, and because it was probably sprung on you out of nowhere.
I don’t know why, but everyone I know who has to pay their phone bill was told so abruptly and often rudely. Something about paying for their adult child’s phone really pisses off your parents, and they keep that anger internalized until your next politically charged dinner argument and just drop the bomb on you. Expect to hear “Well, if you’re such an independent adult with your own opinions, then why am I still paying for that damn iPhone you can’t put down for two seconds?! You better call up Verizon, because I’m taking you off the plan tonight!” Congratulations, you’re 99% an adult.
Owning your own Netflix account.
This is the final step to being truly independent, and one that is hopefully still far away. If you pay for your own Netflix, HBO Go, or Hulu account, you’re not just an adult, you have a family. The only reason to leave your parents accounts is because you have to start your own. As their account loses a member, your family gets its own account. Such is the circle of life. Soon, you’ll be yelling at your own kids to stop “using so much goddamn data” and not recognizing any of the music on the radio. You’re in the twilight of life, and the end is near. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
At 23, I’ve completed this list. But when my boss asked me what my holiday plans were, “got to ask my mom” wasn’t an answer that he might qualify as an adult answer
Arcadia tryna get that Christmas present money with all these submissions lately. Quality has not dropped and we appreciate the quantity!
Thank you, sir.
I’ll pay my own rent and phone bill and everything else, but you’ll have to pry my parents’ Netflix account out of my cold dead hands
The day after I got back from my honeymoon my parents kicked me off the family cell phone plan. And my mom stole my upgrade. Life comes at you fast
That’s harsh. I’m still on the family plan but I pay my portion and my job get everyone a huge discount on data so no one complains.
My job get’s my parents a pretty nice discount so I’m still on that family plan.
My mom actually added my wife to our plan. I will never say no to free cell usage.
Sexy take: Buy shares of Netflix stock on the next dip, deactivate your ex’s Netflix account that you still pirate so he/she can’t see what you watch when they log in, buy your own Netflix account, wait a few days, and then the Netflix stock value spike will pay for your subscription cost 3x over. Sell at the high and reinvest in the Ethereum Blockchain which will be used for encrypted, decentralized, peer-to-peer global content delivery and then become a millionaire within the next decade
I can’t stand for the next 5-10 minutes
5 out of 6 stages of being an adult are just you paying for more things. Being an adult is nice and all but it sure gets expensive.
Got my own Netflix account in college with the money my parents were giving me for booze. If that isn’t the American dream I don’t know what is?
Your parents gave you a booze allowance but didn’t let you on their Netflix account? What?
They didn’t have a Netflix account. Like I said tough childhood, pulling myself up by the boot straps, etc.
I will be 50 years old and still on my mom’s Netflix account.
Hmmm. I pay for both Netflix and Hulu and my parents are the ones who mooch it off of me. Tried to hop on their Sling account but that only allows for one user to stream at a time.
My parents use my Netflix too, but it’s equal enough considering I get HBO/etc. and all the sports streaming services from their cable subscription
Same. My parents use my Hulu account.
Am I the only one whose parents don’t have Netflix? That level of technology is way out of their wheelhouse
My parents have Netflix they don’t use. They just never cancelled it after I moved out, and now all of us kids leech of it still. Gonna be real awkward when dad’s card expires and we ask him to add the new one to it…