======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
There are certain texts that will send a shiver down your spine and put a knot in your throat that you won’t be able to get out. Getting a phone call regarding something bad is one thing. Looking down at your phone and seeing a vaguely worded text message is a whole different animal.
With text messaging, you have to wait for a response and sometimes that can feel like an eternity. It’s a million times more stressful than talking on the phone and so here, in no particular order, are the six worst things to see lying dormant in your text messages folder.
Text: “Calling you in about five minutes.”
From: Your boss
If you’ve never gotten a text message like this then congratulations – you must be the perfect employee. You’re either about to get yelled at furiously or you’re getting fired. This has only happened to me once in my life and I got a serious dressing down after fucking something up that I had no business fucking up. It’s best to not respond to a text like this one because your boss is already fired up and anything you say at that point is just going to make him angrier. Sit there and wait anxiously by your phone for him/her to call you and gird your loins. It’s not going to be pretty.
Text: “Running late. Should be there in fifteen or twenty minutes!”
I am the guy who shows up ten minutes early to planned dinners or drinks. I get excited about meeting my friends to do stuff, what can I say? This one burns. I know that we’re supposed to embrace doing things by ourselves in 2018 but you’re lying to yourself if you say that a text message like this isn’t a little bit disheartening.
You had plans to meet up with a friend for dinner or drinks, and you’re most likely getting the notification that they’ll be late right as you’re about to enter the bar or restaurant where you’re supposed to be meeting.
You’ll respond with a “No problem, just got here” but inside you’re fuming. It’s not as bad if you’re just meeting for drinks because plenty of people go to bars alone, but if it’s for dinner and you’re at a crowded restaurant, it doesn’t feel great to be sitting at a table scrolling your phone and trying to find the straw for your water without looking at the glass. You think everyone thinks you’re a fucking loser, but in reality, no one even notices.
From: The person you’re casually having sex with
You’re about to get laid. If someone texts you any variation of this – “hi, hiiiiiiiiiiiii, hey :)” – then that person wants to fuck. It’s up to you if you want to say yes, but when it’s from your friend with benefits you’re more than likely just going to respond with a “your house or mine?” type of text.
This isn’t anxiety-inducing in the same way that the others are – it’s more butterflies and excitement than anything, but in this early stage where you’re not really sure where the relationship is headed there is still a tad bit of anxiousness.
Text: “[incredibly long, multiple paragraph iMessage bubble]”
From: An ex
I rarely even open texts like this. I have read receipts turned on and the preview notification thing enabled on my phone, which means that when I get a text, I can read it from my lock screen without letting the person know I actually read their text.
This might be the worst kind of text message to get not because of the contents of the message, but simply because of the time it’s going to take to read it. If you really want to be rid of an ex, just block them. But let’s all be honest here – none of us are going to do that because there’s a sick part of every single person who enjoys getting these texts every so often. It’s an ego boost to know that there is a person out there who would take the time to write an essay and send it to you.
Text: [on a hungover Sunday morning] “Why didn’t you answer my phone call?”
From: Your Mom/Dad
Listen, I love talking to my parents on the phone. I call them once or twice a week just to shoot the shit, update them on my life, and ask my dad how the lawn is holding up in this heat (he gets really fired up about that).
I’m not at all saying that a text message from my parents is awful, but I am saying that on a Sunday morning sometimes it’s a little too much to deal with. Couple that with the fact that if I don’t answer they immediately assume something is wrong and you have a recipe for disaster.
The “why didn’t you answer my phone call?” text can only be remedied by calling them back, and I don’t know about you, but I’m required to ring them back. It just sucks when I’ve had four hours of sleep and I’m telling them that I’m about to go the gym and then the grocery store, when in reality I’m about to go back to sleep for five hours and then order thirty dollars worth of shit food from Postmates.
Text: “Okay we need to talk ASAP”
From: Your significant other
Your mind immediately starts recounting anything that you think might have pissed off your girlfriend/boyfriend in the past two or three months.
“Have they finally had enough of my bullshit?”
“What are we going to do with the couch that we bought together?”
“Man, I really don’t want to re-enter the dating scene I am so over that.”
90% of the time this text message isn’t about what you think it’s going to be about. You’re not getting broken up with. It sucks that you can’t convey tone over text because more often than not this is about what you’re having for dinner tonight or what time you’re planning on leaving work on Friday to head to your parents cottage.
But that doesn’t mean you’re not going to freak out about it. And once you figure out that this text message is in fact regarding your S.O.’s little brothers graduation party two weekends from now you’re going to reply with something like, “Don’t ever start a text message out like that again you scared the shit out of me.”.
Image via Unsplash