The Respectable Slacker’s Guide To Mailing It In

The Respectable Slacker's Guide To Mailing It In

You stroll into the office like a man on a mission. You’re rocking your unbuttoned golf polo and slacks with a small but obvious stain from yesterday. You check your watch, and boom, twenty minutes late on the dot, just like you planned. Not that it’ll prevent you from getting less work done than you already intended, because today is a day to work on yourself. You’re mailing this bitch in.

Everyone coasts a bit from time to time; usually on their extremely casual Friday. But this one’s different. You’re not just being a bit lazy, mixing in occasional work with heavy internet browsing, a long lunch, and putting off enough to give yourself a terrible next day at work. No, today, while you’re physically showing up to avoid using a day of vacation, you’re mentally taking a personal day. You may be on the company’s dime, but like Terrell Owens, today you love you some you.

Now you don’t just head to the office one day and decide that you’re not doing shit. Bangbros wasn’t built in a day (I don’t think), and neither is a day of zero productivity. Sometimes you may think that, but you end up mixing in a little bit of work, and pulling a marginal amount of your weight. This day is premeditated; your own personal bank robbery of a day. You’ve bought yourself the time. Hard work pays off, and in the days before you mail it in, work was your middle name.

As you drive to your day of greatness, reflect on the solid 7-8 hours of legitimate hard work you put in the last few days, and everything you accomplished. You dealt with all the clients you needed to, finished twice your normal report output, and even had a positive discussion with your boss about your recent performance. This day wasn’t just handed to you. Nope. You earned it.

Now it’s time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. You better hope your clients don’t have a catastrophe, because they’re headed to voicemail today (you’ll check it, just to be safe, but only half-heartedly). While the morning will seem like any other, with your coworkers just thinking your laid back attitude is either a result of work twilight or just a concentrated effort to be more chill. By the time they realize that you can’t be counted on to do a damn thing today, it’s too late.

When your phone rings at 10:30, you let your coworkers know that you need to go meet the client on the receiving end. But it wasn’t that client, was it? Nope, it was your buddy Jeff, wondering if you had left for the driving range yet because he’s there waiting with the aluminum pints you requested. A few buckets of balls later and you and Jeff keep the momentum going into a long lunch at Hooters, both giving a subtle nod to the regulars sitting at the bar.

While Alan Jackson declined to throw himself in a cab, instead wondering what Jimmy Buffet would do and continuing to get shit faced in the middle of a day, you do the opposite. The office has AC, your computer, and the environment you want in your life right now. Sit there and pour over fantasy football information, because you don’t have anything to do, and no one can tell you otherwise. Besides, if anyone asks, you’re still working on that one thing, remember? All that busting ass the last few weeks wasn’t done just so you could take a half-day to spend time at home Netflix and chilling with your dog. You’re still getting paid, not burning any vacation, and enjoying some well-deserved office relaxation.

This day was a long time coming and will let you appreciate the finer things in work life. Try a few different Keurig cups and take trips to the water cooler anytime you see one of your few decent coworkers making a trip as well. Maybe it’s even a good day to scour the web and find your next favorite viral video to obnoxiously show to every friend you have. Do whatever you see fit, because this day is yours son. Enjoy it, cherish it, just don’t do a single fucking bit of work on it.

Image via YouTube

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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