You’re sitting in bed scrolling through Netflix spending more time trying to find a movie than it will actually take to watch the movie when your phone buzzes on your nightstand from a friend you haven’t talked to in a while. Between thoughts of “I hope I’m not their emergency contact” and “Fuck, what the hell do they want now?”, you type in your passcode and unveil whatever this person is getting at at 8 o’clock on a weeknight.
“Hey! What’s your address?”
“Fuck, I forgot they got engaged a few months ago,” you think to yourself as you type your address to them hoping that the conversation doesn’t need to go beyond the basics. But the gig is up. You know what’s about to happen. You get it. You’re about to be on the receiving end of a Save The Fucking Date.
You’ve already gotten about fifty of these in the last 24 months, so you check your calendar and hope they schedule it on a weekend that doesn’t interfere with anything else — that non-refundable vacation you scheduled on Ambien, Homecoming at your old stomping grounds, another wedding (actually, is that so bad outside of the fact you have to choose which friend you like more?).
But there’s that one time you’re praying it doesn’t fall over: a holiday weekend.
Pro: You already have the time off.
Well, let’s look on the bright side here. You’ve already got those days off so you don’t have to use those precious PTO and sick days to sit at table twenty-nine celebrating people you haven’t talked to in years. It’s kind of like a surprise all-inclusive vacation but instead of an open bar the entire time, it’s just for one night. And instead of going somewhere tropical, you’re stuck on a farm or a country club or a (finger’s crossed) your hometown where you can just chill out at your parent’s house for free.
Con: You’re wasting free personal days to be on somebody else’s schedule.
Hey happy couple, I get it, this works great for both of you because you’re both busy with work and this is the perfect opportunity to get everyone back together for your nuptials.
But guess what, guys? I was kind of looking forward to a long weekend unfettered by itineraries and schedules. Yeah, I was relishing the thought of exclusively wearing elastic waistbands and no sleeves while getting sunburned on a beer buzz for a few days. Is having some uninterrupted me time that much to ask? Once all these weddings are done, I’m probs going to have a kid or three that are going to require my constant undivided attention. This time to myself is more valuable to me than drinking out of mason jars and having to re-light my sparkler ten times for your grand exit.
Pro: You have built-in plans.
“What are you doing New Year’s Eve?” is an intrinsically romantic question. Or, at least that’s what Harry Connick Jr. makes it sound like on his electric Christmas album When My Heart Finds Christmas.
IRL though? That question fucking sucks. I don’t want to have to go to a bar that has a $100 cover only for me to hang out with a bunch of pretentious assholes that I don’t know. But I also don’t want to weigh and balance which people I want to hang out with based on whose girlfriend is going to be the least amount of diva when the clock strikes twelve and she realizes there’s not confetti falling over her while she kisses Jude Law.
But a New Year’s Eve wedding? Sign me up. Let’s all pound champagne together in tuxedos like we’re hanging out with the Clooneys at a lavish party on Lake Como.
Con: The built-in plans could interfere with other built-in plans.
Labor Day Weekend? Looks like you’re not heading back to your alma mater to get your swerve on during the first wave of NCAA games. New Year’s Eve? Not only are you missing bowl games and butt-to-couch time, but now you’re forced to go out on a night that you’ve already resolved is completely overrated anyway. Memorial Day? Well, you were probably just going to get fucked up on a porch somewhere, but shit, you were going to get fucked up on a porch somewhere and now you can’t do that.
Pro: The whole crew’s gonna be there.
No one’s got excuses over holiday weekends unless they’re getting married themselves or they just don’t like you enough to RSVP yes. That dance floor is going to be a “No New Friends” situation because everyone’s got the time off already. Might as well schedule a block of a few tee times while you’re at it, ’cause the squad’s gonna be deep.
Con: Travelling is going to be a fucking nightmare.
Oh, I have to take a two-hour flight to get to the hotel and venue? Awesome, at least it’s not across the country or on another continent. Wait, everyone has this time off and traveling is going to be more of a clusterfuck whirlwind than the McCallisters running through Chicago O’Hare. Delays, lines, traffic, the whole shebang.
And did I mention that it’s going to cost me an arm, a leg, and my first born son to afford ticket that departs on Friday and returns on Sunday? I can’t wait to tell my girlfriend that we have to wait another year to get her purebred labradachsund that she’s been begging me for, because lord knows I can’t afford it now. Whatever, I’ll just take it out of the price of the $500 Vitamix you had the balls to ask for. .
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