If you work in any type of office job, you’ve probably been to at least one training class, or if you’re like me, too many to count. Hopefully your training classes will help you hate your job less, and if you’re lucky, actually teach you something that’ll help you make more money, get promoted, or both. It’s not all free coffee and easy street though, so let’s get this party started.
Free Food and Drink
At the very least, these classes usually have free coffee and doughnuts each morning. If your company is worth a shit they should provide you with free lunch as well. If you had to travel far away and stay in a hotel, hopefully they take you out to dinner and open a company tab with a liberal limit on cocktails. It’s the least they could do for undoubtedly boring the shit out of you for a couple days.
You Don’t Have To Answer Emails
Maybe you still answer them on your phone, and in that case, sucks to be you. I, on the other hand, like to purposely not set an out of office reply on my email so clients can sweat it out when I don’t return their messages for a few days. I work for an industry leader in my field, so they’re not going anywhere.
You Get To Stay In A Hotel And Go To New Bars
Some of you weirdo’s may look at this as a negative because you enjoy going home to a significant other each night. I’ll continue to enjoy my evaporating youth and take full advantage of a new city with an untapped bar scene. The universal line to score a guilt-free one night stand is “I’m just here on business.” If this line won’t work for you, you’re probably creepy, or ugly.
Training classes are hotbeds for networking. If you socialize like a normal human being, you can meet people that can help you in so many areas. You can meet resources in other departments and offices. You can schmooze with higher-ups and get your name out there. You can make friendships and trade business with people. And there’s always a chance you can meet a hottie that you can bang for three straight nights. If there’s no knockouts in your class, refer to my last point.
Childish Introduction Games
“Let’s go around the room and have everyone say where you’re from, where you went to school, how long you’ve been with the company, and one interesting fact about yourself.” Sound familiar? I’ve seen this taken further by the instructor insisting that everyone get up and do jumping jacks to get the blood flowing, play memory games to learn names, and of course, make you fill out a stupid name tent and put a design on it that represents you. Whatever kind of happy pills work trainers take before class, I want some.
This may sound like such a first world problem, but let’s be serious. We all use our phones every five minutes at work. I’m constantly on Twitter, reading websites and blogs, and texting. If you can’t, your job sucks and you should quit. When a training instructor is five feet away and talking directly at you, it’s probably not a good idea to be looking under the table while you send a tweet.
You have overly structured, cliché-riddled conversations practicing sales techniques and assumptive closes. Then you have to give the other person feedback and lie to them about how good they did. Every time you role play at training, you lose a little piece of your soul.
This is inevitable unless you’re a robot. You don’t get to surf the internet, take countless work dumps, and cube hop to waste time when you’re at training. Sure, you’re not exerting a lot of energy by listening and taking a few notes, but after a few hours I’m usually wishing I was back in the office pretending to work.
I hope the next time you’re at training you get a couple free steaks, some top shelf cocktails, and bang a random townie. Carry on, my wayward sons.