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It must be hard working for a minor league baseball team, especially one in an area like the DC area where there are actual pro sports teams to compete with. Sure, the tickets and beer are cheap, but you still have to come up with gimmicky shit to lure the people into the stands like a siren’s song. And that’s why minor league teams resort to some absolutely unbelievable themed nights, wackadoo jersey days, and all kinds of hoopla between innings.
I’m not going to sit here and pretend that the Potomac Nationals were the first minor league team to come up with a Seinfeld night, specifically one devoted to the greatest TV character of all time, George Costanza. Far from it. But…BUT, I will say I think they’ve now set the bar for any and all Costanza appreciation nights so high that future teams have no shot to out do it. Sorry, not sorry. Just pack up and stuff those sorries in a sack.
Before I dive in to address why this is, in fact, the most comprehensive George Costanza night, I will address our DC readers: I would be on a train to DC in a heartbeat to cover this event in person, but the job that pays me (slightly) more than blogging has me on the road this week so I can’t make it to Potomac. But, if you go, and tweet me a pic of you at the game, big rewards will come. And…AND, if you can secure any of the giveaways and maybe send them my way? Wow. I’ll come up with a way to thank you the right way.
Are you ready to dig in to the most impressive Costanza appreciation night I’ve ever seen? Yep, me too. Giddy up.
The Potomac Nationals are excited to announce their “George Costanza Appreciation Night” at Pfitzner Stadium on Thursday, July 27th.
The P-Nats will pay homage to the classic short, stocky, slow-witted Seinfeld character before, during, and after their matchup with the Myrtle Beach Pelicans (Chicago Cubs).
The Costanza Appreciation Night is presented by: Vandelay Industries as part of Thursday Cheers featuring $1 drink specials and tacos to be sold out of the Café Cantina. In honor of George’s hallmark office antic, P-Nats front office members will rest up for the evening’s festivities with pre-game naps under their respective desks before gates open to Pfitzner Stadium.
Paragraph one and we already have three references! The short stocky slow witted line is a classic Elaine, and of course the event is presented by Vandelay Industries, servicing all your latex needs. And the naps under the desk?! Absolute genius. How can we forget when Georgie boy slept under his desk at Yankee Stadium? I still take naps under my desk to this day. You have to love the P-Nats front office commitment to the Costanza night.
Plenty of Costanza-themed ticket deals will be available for the evening at the Extreme Custom Collision Ticket Office on the night of the P-Nats’ Thursday 7/27 game including:
One (1) free grandstand ticket to any fan with the legal last name of “Vandelay” or “O’Brien” or “Costanza” or “Cartwright” (with proof of identification)
One (1) free grandstand ticket to any fan with “Koko” or “Louis” in any part of their full legal name (with proof of ID)
One (1) $5 grandstand ticket for:
Bald guys with the classic “horseshoe pattern”
Anyone wearing a cotton New York Yankees jersey
Residents of Brooklyn, NY and Long Island, NY (with proof of ID)
All marine biologists (with proof of profession)
Any group of three guys and one girl will receive one (1) free grandstand ticket (the group can decide who gets the free ticket)
Anyone named Lloyd Braun will be charged a $5 service fee for any ticket transaction
Actor, Jason Alexander who played “George Costanza” on Seinfeld will receive free admission to the event and a complimentary premium ticket if he decides to attend the game
If the P-Nats go out on a high note via a walk-off victory over the Pelicans like George would love to see, every fan in attendance will receive one (1) free grandstand ticket voucher to any remaining 2017 P-Nats home game upon leaving Pfitzner Stadium after the game
Okay, this is where the P-Nats take things to a crazy new level. Free tickets to anyone named: Costanza, Vandelay (as in Art Vandelay, of Vandelay Industries), O’Brien (when George pretended to be the Nazi O’Brien for a free limo ride), and Cartwright (when the Chinese restaurant thought his name was Cartwright, an all-time scene). Also free tickets for anyone named Koko (when Kruger nicknames George Koko in honor of the gorilla), and Louis, (George’s middle name).
Also free ticket for anyone with the classic horseshoe pattern baldness, anyone with a cotton Yankee jersey (when George has all the Yanks jerseys switched from polyester to cotton), residents of BK or Long Island (George’s home town), marine biologists (when George pretended to be one and saved a whale, the great
fish mammal, thought unclear how they’ll prove proof of profession).
Oh, think they’re done? Nope. It keeps going.
Early in the game, one fan will be randomly chosen to receive game-long usage of the P-Nats’ Front Office Executive Bathroom.
Any fans who donate a white sweater with a red stain on it to the Extreme Custom Collision Ticket Office will receive 40% off in the National Mall Team Store for all qualifying items.
Stains on all sweaters donated will be removed by P-Nats representatives and the sweaters will be given to a local donation center.
In-game contests will include a Shrimp Cocktail Eating Competition where fans can see how many shrimp they can fit in their mouths, an on-field Frogger Race for kids, and George Costanza Trivia in the Bullpen Picnic Area beginning at 7:00pm.
Winners of these contests will receive a Frank Costanza Festivus Bobblehead from the P-Nats’ 2016 season and four (4) undated reserved P-Nats tickets for remaining 2017 home games as their prize.
I think they’re trying to get a reference in for every fucking episode! I mean, the executive bathroom? That’s a reference. White sweater with a red dot? Another one. Shrimp cocktails? Another one and PS the ocean called and they’re running out of shrimp. On-field frogger? That sounds electriccc!
I also have to throw this out there. If you win one of these contests and get a Frank Costanza Festivus bobblehead? OMFG I’d lose my mind. I don’t want, I don’t even just need, I HAVE to have a Festivus bobblehead to live. Please someone get me one. I know, I just KNOW I would crush Costanza trivia in the bullpen and not being there is tearing me up at the seams.
Oh, yeah, still not done with Costanza night.
Meanwhile, a Penske File will be hidden somewhere in the seating gallery at The Pfitz. The fan who finds the Penske File will unlock a prize pack courtesy of the Potomac Nationals.
P-Nats Hand Models will be presented on the outfield jumbo-tron video board featuring four P-Nats pitchers showing off their specialty pitch grips while the video board will also feature advertisements from supporting co-sponsors including: Kruger Industrial Smoothing, The Human Fund, The Susan Ross Foundation,Sunshine Carpet Cleaners, Costanza & Son, and Mario’s Pizza.
The P-Nats will present safe wedding invitation tips on the video board, as well, reminding fans who are engaged to:
Check the wedding envelopes’ adhesive for toxicity level
Clear your staircase of envelopes
Don’t marry Susan
It is possible that Body Suit Man may make a cameo mid-game on the field…fans are encouraged to keep their eyes peeled for him!
The P-Nats will feature a compilation of George Costanza’s best one-liners on the video board, too.
There will also be information available on how to donate to The Human Fund
They’re actually going deep into the archives. The Penske File?! And they’re actually putting a Penske File under someone’s seat?! If you get that file, you’re hundo p Penske material. Hand models. Kruger Industrial. Mario’s!! Sunshine Cleaners, the cult that didn’t want George!
Oh, still not done.
More Costanza-driven hijinks include Bosco Chocolate Syrup being served as an ice cream topping in the Snack Shack, a lucky fan will receive Breakfast at Tiffany’s…the film (in DVD form), while the Kids Zone will be re-branded as “Play Now” (George’s former employer), and there will be a gift certificate giveaway to select fans for redemption at a local diner.
George Costanza’s life accomplishments will be noted throughout the night on the big screen including and certainly limited to:
Pretended to be the architect who completed the new wing of the Guggenheim Museum
Provided hitting tips to Bernie Williams (former 1988 Prince William Yankee) and Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees
Saved a whale from a clogged blowhole due to a lodged Titleist golf ball struck by friend, Cosmo Kramer
Drove John Voight’s car (not the actor, just someone with the same name)
Fans are invited to head out to Pfitzner Stadium on Thursday night 7/27 to celebrate the beloved Seinfeld character dubbed the “Lord of the Idiots!”
First pitch between the P-Nats and Pelicans is at 7:05pm. Gates will open at 6:00pm.
Jerry, I’m busting! Like, tears welling up in my eyes. This is what I live for, this shit right here. I don’t know how this Costanza night could get any better, short of a section of the park where you’re allowed to drape yourself in velvet and combine eating and sex.
I don’t know who the person is who is responsible for the best Costanza night of all time, but they’re talents as a marketer are being wasted on a single-A baseball team. This guy deserves a promotion to the big show. Otherwise, soon enough he could end up unemployed living with his parents..