The Pitfalls Of Family Weddings

Wedding Family 22-11-08med

Every year after graduation, you probably receive a bunch of save-the-dates. You select which couples you’ll grace with your presence, depending on whether or not you used to bang the bride or groom, if the wedding is in a cool place, or how many friends you actually still like are planning to attend. Then you start to get invitations from your cousins who are tying the knot, or older relatives who decided to take a second (maybe fifth) go at it. While family weddings can be fun, they are inherently less fun than reliving the glory days with your friends.

There’s less of a chance you’ll want to bang other attendees.

Weddings are the second easiest place to get laid outside of a frat party. Fellas, if you aren’t running game on bridesmaids, you’re doing life wrong. Nothing gets the women going like seeing one of their besties commit to the perfect man–it’s science. After the bride tosses her bouquet, find the woman who looks the most disappointed (re: all besides the one who caught it) and make your approach. Coat room sex should ensue shortly after. If it’s a family wedding, chances are you’re related to at least half the people there. That decreases your odds of random sex rather quickly, unless the wedding’s in Kentucky.

Getting blackout drunk can have serious consequences.

If you’re flying to NYC for your college friend’s wedding, by all means, throw a few back on the plane ride and let the weekend run its course. If there’s an open bar, it would be an insult if you didn’t drink your weight in beer, champagne, and whatever shots the barkeep can whip up. The worst that can happen is you get some eye rolls from the real adults, possibly get cut off, or worse case, you get the boot. If this is your family however, you could get banned from future gatherings, or heaven forbid, cut out of grandma and grandpa’s will.

You have to get something really nice from the registry.

If it’s a college acquaintance, you can buy the mixing bowl from Bed Bath & Beyond that she requested. Or you can go rogue and buy your boy some scotch glasses or a bottle of Johnny Walker. Even if the bride hates it, you’ll get a thank you card and by the next time you see them, all will be forgotten. If it’s your blood, you may have to pop for the Dyson vacuum or the 5,000 thread count sheets. Seriously, sheets are expensive now.

You can’t bring a random hookup as a date.

When you’re going to your friend’s wedding, you can go stag and try to nail the bride’s sorority sister who you couldn’t close in college, or you can bring Sara C-cups from the bar, because she’s up for anything and can keep up with you and your friends ripping tequila shots. When your family’s around, you have to introduce your date to everyone. They always want to know how you met, how long you’ve been together, and when your wedding announcements will go out. They don’t want to hear about how you sloppily made out with each other at a bar last Saturday, which also happened to be the night you two met.

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