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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PGP, Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions, go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other “bros” that fit your particular situation.
Q. Hello, so lately I’ve been noticing I keep finding myself in the same predicament over and over again like a motif. I keep ending up as the side chick. Side piece. Just a hook up. Second, third, or fourth option. It’s really irritating because I want something serious. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong! I’m wondering how to prevent being the side piece? How to get a guy hooked? How to be his #1 and ONLY option? How to keep him hooked (especially the nomadic guys)? I greatly appreciate any help 🙂
This is tough because it’s not a particular situation I can look at and point to where she should zig when she’s about to zag. The reality is, guys are trying to hook up before they even think about a relationship, and for a lot of girls, the process is the other way around. So girls can enter into a hookup thinking it’s leading to a relationship when that isn’t even on the guy’s mind. Here are some tips on not being “just a hookup” and properly “vetting” a guy…
1. Don’t be afraid to get dumped.
In general, people take a relationship ending too personally. They want to know “Why?” and “How?” and “What did I do wrong?” and “Who are you trying to bone?” when the real answer to all of those questions is that this just wasn’t it. Which is totally fine. If you can remember this, then you’ll be much better off. So many times girls ask me if “A guy likes her” and I think that’s where girls end up being “just a hookup.” If you’re so interested in just being liked, then you’re not looking for a relationship as much as someone to boost your confidence. When people want to be liked, they do things that maybe they aren’t ready for just so they can get approval, which brings me to my next point…
2. Know what you want.
There’s nothing wrong with just wanting a hookup buddy (as every guy reading this nods aggressively). If that’s what you want, then go for it, be up front, and get a little weird. You have my permission. But I’m guessing if you’re here, that’s not what you want. You want to meet someone who can be a “significant” other. If that’s the case, don’t bend. Don’t hook up on his schedule, or because it’s a certain date number, or because he looks like he could have a big penis and you just want to make sure. This goes back to not being afraid of being dumped. If a guy ends it because you won’t hook up, then I don’t think he was planning on meeting your mom anytime soon. Or ever.
3. Use texting as a tool.
A lot of people use texting to show their emotions. You shouldn’t do this because it’s so much easier to exude emotion over text than it is in person (i.e. Sending a text then turning the phone over). Use texting to make a plan for a date or scheduling the next opportunity to hang out. When emotions are said over text, it’s usually to convince you that the other person has a feeling he really doesn’t so a hookup can come faster.
4. Hang out with friends.
Your friends have friends and those are probably the best people to date. You’ve made your friends for a reason and they associate with people for the same reasons you associate with them. The best way to meet someone with similar interests is to hang in a big group that brings peripheral friends to the table. The best part is, most people don’t want to be known as a jerk. There’s a disincentive to making you “just a hookup” because there’s a chance he will chase you away and thus his friends.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.