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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PGP, Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions, go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q. I met this guy a couple months ago online. We shared some banter, and then had a first date. It was just okay. We didn’t kiss at the end, and I never expected to see him again, much less see him a couple weeks later. After the third date, we slept together. Again, I was prepared to not to hear from him, but we are still meeting up. Not having sex, but still meeting up. Sometimes he doesn’t think before he speaks and upsets me, but he has always been apologetic and tried his hardest to make me smile again. I’ve never made it a big deal because I don’t want to argue. He has never complimented me EVER, nor has he been passionate with me. The only times he kisses me or holds my hand are when we first meet and 10 minutes before we head our separate ways. We never speak on the phone. He only messages me when it’s convenient. When we are out, he always has a wandering eye and makes me feel like maybe I’m not attractive enough. Since meeting, I’ve noticed he set his online profile to private so I can’t view him, but I know he still goes online and changed his status to “wants to date but nothing serious.” He’s the only guy I’ve been seeing. I’ve met guys on nights out, but I’ve said no to them because of this guy. I’m trying not get attached to him because I don’t know where I stand. Does he like me? Should I invest my time? What’s your opinion on this?
This is an extreme version of a question I get a lot. A girl will list off things like “He doesn’t want to hang out during the day” and “He won’t meet my friends” and “He won’t text me back for weeks at a time” and “He keeps inching his finger closer to my butt” until she finally asks, “Does he like me?” And I get it. Everyone wants to be liked. It feels good to be liked and pursued, and sometimes that’s the allure of staying with someone. But dating is a selfish thing, and, above all else, your first question should be “Do I like him?” All the things that are bothering you about the relationship are basically a checklist of what you’re looking for in a mate. You want a guy who will do a day hang, meet your friends, text back like a normal person, and stop thinking that you’re some sort of finger puppet. This guy failed.
I find that in a lot of situations there are girls that are waiting to be dumped. Look at this girl. She went on a first date she called “okay,” then jumps to a third date where she’s having sex, then talks about how he never compliments her. She’s like a death row inmate just waiting for the inevitable tears and hoping the final meal is sushi. This isn’t every girl (I’ve been dumped by my fair share), but when it comes to the “Does he like me?” type of girls, it’s usually the case. Girls oftentimes like the story of their relationship more than their relationship. Sure you and your boyfriend went apple picking but that was a year ago, he spent the whole time on the phone, and he won’t even put “in a relationship” on Facebook. So how important was that apple picking adventure really? Boyfriends are a status symbol. “I have a boyfriend, I am wanted.” This column won’t end that, but at the very least, if you’re in that situation, you can see that you’re not alone. That apple picking trip is a great story. It’s one that tells your friends “I’m all set, so have fun with your online dating, bitches!”
My advice to any girl (or guy) asking if the person they are dating likes them or not is to take a step back. Ask first if you like them. Are the things getting you mad about this relationship (lack of communication, late night texts, lack of passion, butt stuff) fixable, or unchangeable things you just don’t want in your significant other? The fact is, a significant other (before marriage and babies) isn’t a bunch of ingredients that you’re stuck with. The grocery store isn’t close and you’re not responsible for a homemade boyfriend at the office tomorrow. You can keep asking about his feelings or just know that this person probably won’t stop getting that finger closer to your balloon knot and it’s time to move on while it’s still comfortable to walk.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.