Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems, Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions, go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros who fit your particular situation.
Q. I’ve been going on dates with this guy for about three months now and, for the most part, everything is going great. We don’t get to see each other very often due to conflicting schedules, but when we do we always have a really good time. We either talk on the phone or text daily and I don’t have any doubts that he is really into me. My only concern is that he is moving incredibly slow when it comes to anything physical. He has made comments about wanting to do what’s best for me and taking it slow because he doesn’t want me to feel like he is moving too fast. Part of me thinks that it is really sweet of him and it’s kind of refreshing after dating so many guys who are constantly trying to get in my pants, but on the other hand it’s driving me crazy! It took until our 5th date (over two months in) for him to even kiss me. I’m talking just slightly more than a peck…and we still haven’t moved past that. If it makes a difference, he is 30 and I’m 25 so it’s not an age thing. And he is divorced so I know it’s not an inexperience thing. If he is really as into me as he says (and I believe him), why won’t he make a move? I’m not great at being super forward, so is there any way to hint that I am ready to take it to the next level? I don’t want him to think I’m pushy, but I’m ready for more!
This question is a product of the female insanity. If you have sex with a girl on the first date then she’s decided that you two have no chance and everything you said leading up to that jean-on-jean dry hump was a lie. Also, if you two never go out again her reason will be the sex; nothing else ― not the fact that she wouldn’t eat on the date and, at one point, you talked about people who tweet about the weather after talking about the weather. On the other hand, if a guy holds off too long on sex then there’s something wrong ― he has an STD, he’s gay, he has a small penis. In a girl’s eyes, sex can only happen at the “perfect time” and if we hit that moving target then the whole relationship is a little more serious. There’s no other place to go but marriage or a breakup where you duped her with your “perfect time to have sex” maneuver. So guys are plagued with being the captain of the sexual ship. This sounds nice until you realize there’s no direction we can take the boat that doesn’t end with things hitting a horrible iceberg. It’s either too soon and you’re a dick, too late and you have no dick, or the perfect time and your dick is hers. So what do we do?
The real answer is that there’s no right time to have sex. I’ve had friends have sex on the first date and end up getting married. I’ve also had friends who made out once in college then reconnected years later knowing four other people who had seen their partner’s body shaving preferences. There’s a strong relationship that exists for every type of initial sexual interaction so I think it’s time girls stopped playing the victim on this subject. You can say “yes” or “no” to whatever you want and saying that you were tricked into sex when you’re a college English major is immature. It’s a team effort. I do think most girls want guys to act as the captain because it’s attractive. What gets overlooked is what guys want; I think most guys want an overqualified first mate. She has the ability to be the captain, but instead she joined the crew and made things much better for everyone on board. When the captain says, “I’m sailing directly to Vulva Island! We’re getting there quickly and we’re going to be aggressive!” she turns to him and calmly says, “The indigenous population of Vulva Island is sensitive. Let’s sail around the coast for a bit and loosen them up.”
Yes, this girl’s situation is extreme, but I think that’s because of the specifics. He’s divorced so he knows that sex locks you in as more than just a girl he’s dating. That means if it ends, there will be a breakup and he’s already been through a divorce (a breakup on crack). There could also be other factors: he’s only been with his ex-wife, he hasn’t been with someone since his ex, he has HPV (haha just kidding, guys don’t care about that), or he thinks you’re way too hot for him so he really feels he has to perform. Any of those natural fears could be at play. Just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean sex (or getting sexual) isn’t scary. The answer for you is to be that overqualified first mate. You’ve got to give him some signs and I think the answer is in alcohol (same goes for happiness). Go for drinks with your girlfriends. Have a fun night and make sure he knows you’re about to get a little crazy. Then start sending him some flirty texts. It doesn’t have to be crazy, but something a little hotter than usual. This gets the conversation going in a different direction and it’s a clear sign that you’re ready to have sex. Something like, “I’ve been thinking about you all night.” Obviously you can go further, but you get the point (use the word “wet”). This could lead to a meet-up later, but that isn’t necessary. If he doesn’t catch on then you have the deniability of the “crazy night”, but I think the point will be made. Then hopefully he’ll start raising the sails and getting the crew ready for a trip to Vulva Island (you know, boners and stuff).
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.