Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on Post Grad Problems, Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls. If you have any of your own dating questions, go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q. I met this guy on eHarmony and we had the most epic 1st date ever. We basically spent the weekend together. We keep going on dates and things are going great until he tells me he isn’t into “weekday sleepovers.” Why would a man not like a sleepover? It’s such an intimate part of the relationship. Is this a sign of something else going on? He keeps out my toothbrush and face wash all the time. Am I pushing for it too soon?
There’s nothing better than sleeping in your own bed. You ever see how mad people get when their Sunday flight home from the Bahamas gets delayed? Those people just want their own beds. They aren’t excited that they have a few extra hours to get their hair braided. They just want their bed.
With that being said, why are guys always looked at as the villains when they don’t want to sleep over? He didn’t sign a contract that gave him drunken Saturday night sex in exchange for a Sunday night sleepover, Lisa Vanderpump, and an agreement that Scheana isn’t hot. The differences between the weekend and weekday sleepover are all about time. On the weekend, you have the time to go out and go to bed at any hour and spend all morning testing snuggle poses and take a midday nap because she keeps her room at a temperature that would be unreasonable on the surface of the sun. The weekday sleepover offers no luxury of time. You have to get to bed because you have to get to work because you have to make money because you have to take this girl to a party next weekend so you can do that snuggle position that let you fart without her knowing (you hope). I’m a guy, and like most guys, every decision depends on time and comfort. I don’t care if it relates to money, a woman’s touch, or Gold Bond powder. How will those things give me more time and comfort? And that’s the issue with the sleepover. Girls care about time and comfort, but there’s a third thing: their feelings.
To women, the “weekday sleepover,” or the “sober sleepover,” initiates them into another level of relationship. There’s validation. “We talked all night! He watched Andy Cohen! We even talked about his mom during commercials!” I get that. I think there’s some validation there, but there was also validation in going out on Saturday night and then spending 14 more hours together. The “sober sleepover” is one of those things like apple picking, plus-ones at weddings, painting classes, “people watching,” or going to the gym together, that are easily said and presented as resumé items for other girls to nod their heads in approval. But we’ve all used colorful language on our resumes. We’ve all said that we were proficient in Excel because that’s what sounds good. The hours spent together during a single Saturday night where he bought you drinks and gave you all of his attention isn’t the same type of splashy story with girlfriends that “we people watched” can offer, but it showed a genuine effort with time and commitment to meeting the girl. The problem is, the title sometimes means more than the story. “Plus one at the wedding” implies fun, but doesn’t tell the girls that he introduced you as “my friend, Lisa.”
I spoke to married, engaged, relationship, and single guys asking them what they thought about the weekday sleepover, and every answer was some version of “Yeah, it’s a pain in the ass.” I then spoke with a similarly involved group of girls and their responses all were some version of “If a guy likes you, then he’ll sleepover.” We are answering the same question in two totally different ways. For every girl saying, “Just pack a bag” there’s a guy thinking “I can’t pack Sunday night farts and booze sweat into some bag.” Emotion versus reason. The crux of 90% of fights. So the answer is somewhere in the middle. Guys need to understand that this is a “thing” for girls. Make an effort. Be upfront about the physical stress this causes. Tell her how she can make her room more comfortable. And girls have to stop being offended when a guy puts a line in the sand. This isn’t about you or a secret family he has at his one bedroom apartment during the week. This is about comfort. Guys think Scheana on “Vanderpump Rules” is hot. See how that made you feel? Mad, sweaty, exhausted…that’s the weekday sleepover for guys.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.