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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q. I met a guy at a wedding. I thought he was really cute but we ended up becoming best friends instead. Me, him and my other girlfriend and another friend would always hang out together. He soon enough got a girlfriend. We would still hang out, most of the time without her, and every once in a while we would hangout with her too. Slowly, I started to develop feelings for him. I made it a point that I would NEVER admit these feelings because I value our friendship too much to go there with him, I didn’t think he felt that way about me, and he had a girlfriend. For a few months, he has been telling us that it hasn’t been working out with his gf but he is still going to try because she is a really good girl (sometimes he would lie to her about hanging out with us b/c she would get really jealous). Fast forward to now, we all hung out again (without her) and got pretty drunk. He ended up kissing me and told me he and his gf were on a break yet he is not planning on working things out with her. Like I said, we were very drunk. One thing led to another and we slept together. The next day we talked about it. Talked about how if it would ruin our friendship and how we BOTH don’t want to lose that. The last thing he said to me was, If we were to do this, I would want to do it right and its not right, right now. Which I agree. But I would of course love to be with him. So I feel like complete scum. It seems they’re still together according to certain social media. Its been only a couple days since this happened. My question is, what do I do now? How will I hangout with him and his gf and the group still if they’re back together without getting extremely jealous? Do you think this will jeopardize our friendship? I really feel like a horrible person right now.
The toughest realization to come to grips with after graduating college and entering the “real world” is how little time you have for the things you enjoy. This is why the word “busy” gets thrown around A LOT. You’ll ask a friend how they’re doing and the first thing they say is, “I’m soooooo busy” as if you pay rent via your money tree. Then you’ll see that picture of them at a happy hour and wonder if they meant to say, “I’m sooooo into Fireball on Tuesdays!” It gets annoying but there’s a reason people come so strongly with the word “busy” as if forgetting to say the word would mean they can help you move. Everyone has a portfolio of time that’s diversified with work and recreation. We give what we can to the things that are most important to us. It’s selfish but that’s part of being in your twenties (and why people have time to write for this site). We toss out the word “Busy” as a crutch so that any prospective plans can be avoided. Maybe someone will say, “I need someone to help finish my cocaine” and that busy thing is forgotten. But they’ll probably say, “We should do a baseball game this Monday” and you’ll remember that Mondays are reserved for feeling fat, questioning your life’s direction, and “never drinking on weekdays again” so thank god you’re “sooo busy.” What I’m getting at is if everyone is “busy” and doing the things that either pay their rent or make them happy then why is this guy spending the time to make YOU his new best friend?
The answer is simply that he’s getting something from you and the relationship. That could be sex but usually with the “best friend” it’s about attention. The feeling is, “This cute girl talks to me and makes me feel good so now I have the confidence to talk to other cute girls.” A guy generally only feels as good as his stroked ego and the attention is giving it a massage that gets him hard enough to take care of the happy ending on his own. And I know what you’re thinking, “Well me and so-and-so are friends!” Every girl reading this should think of all their guy friends and how you met. They should all have a reason. You or your friend went to high school or college with him. You have family that’s known one another for years. You used to hook up with his college roommate and you’ve already seen his poo streaked underwear and, ironically, he sees you as damaged goods. There’s a very specific story for every one of your real guy friends that’s based in truth and honesty and is mutually beneficial. If that story is like the one above’s and it’s “We were at a wedding, and we were a little drunk, and my makeup looked perfect, and he was single, and I was single, so we became BEST friends” then your relationship is based in a lie. I had a girlfriend with a good guy friend she met in an elevator. It never made sense to me because I know what I think when I talk to a girl in an elevator, “Oh man she’s hot, say something funny.” It was never, “She looks like she plays FIFA.” When it’s a friendship and you’re both single that’s one thing. You’re both getting attention and maybe someday you guys will stop being pussies. But when the guy has a girlfriend and you’re the best friend that he met at a wedding then you’re being used to stroke an ego that will never physically stroke you back.
This girl needs to do two things. The first is repeat to herself that she isn’t a horrible person. Everyone in this thing is at fault. Her, the guy, and his girlfriend. The girlfriend because she was jealous but never took a hard stance against them hanging out. Her, because she became his friend to avoid being turned down. And him because he is currently trying to have his cake and get blowjobs from it too. The second thing she should do is stop with this whole lie about the “friendship.” You never were friends, you aren’t friends, and there’s no friendship to ruin. You liked him and he liked you and he went for the easier score when nobody made a move. He won’t stop contacting her because her attention is his drug and he’s addicted. She needs to tell him that they can’t hang out until he’s ended things with the current girl. That doesn’t mean his relationship ends and then they ride off happily ever after. It means, end it and we can continue to slowly get to know one another without any promises (yet). If that doesn’t happen then her “Time Portfolio” will have been invested in work, friends, family, and a guy who won’t ever be the reason she’s “sooo busy” planning a wedding.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.