Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q: Met guy in January and we start talking and hanging out within a few days. Had sex once a couple of dates in and haven’t since (that was a month ago.) He backs off because of perceived pressure from me. I am old enough to know what is happening and give him his space and don’t initiate contact during that time. He gets in touch with me twice. The second time is to send me photos at 2 in the morning of me that he has edited saying he found them and they make him happy. This leads to us talking through the feeling pressure issue. We chat it out and are back to our routine which is really just texting pretty much every day. Our relationship (“relationship”?) has been largely texting–great conversational texts but….we don’t really hang out a whole lot. In the feeling pressure conversation, he said he isn’t looking for a relationship right now. I have told him that I don’t want to be played or to be friends with benefits. He indicated this is neither. Sooo…what’s the deal? Assuming we are just friends. But is it more likely he is just dicking me around and stringing me along for attention/as an option?
A: These are my thoughts as I go on a first date:
“She’s better looking than the Facebook pictures she lets non-friends look at. Oh, cool, she’s from that place. I wonder if her boobs are big. Look down. Okay, look up. She’s really nice. I like that she has a big group of friends. I like brunch, too. Oh, shit. Silence. bring up what she does for work. She’s done with her first drink, let’s get another–this is fun. She’s going to the bathroom. Check out her ass. Oh wow, bigger than I thought. I like that. She’s out of view. Check your phone. Check email, text, Twitter. No retweets on that fart one? Check Tinder. This is screwed up. Okay, she’s coming back. She has a great laugh. Look at her boobs. I like that she’s close to her family. Look at her boobs. She went to summer camp, too. Look at her boobs. We have a lot in common. Let’s get another drink. Look at her boobs. Go to the bathroom. Check your phone. Check email, text, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder (because I’m screwed up). Come back and get that third drink. She’s fun. I love her ass. Starting to feel it a bit. What an ass! I really want to have sex with her. She has to wake up early. Pay for the drinks. Say, ‘I got this’ like I have a bigger than medium penis. That was fun. Great boobs. I hope she had fun. I definitely want to go out again with whatever her name is that I’d have sex with right now.”
I can’t tell you what goes through the mind of a girl on a first date unless I went through a procedure that would ruin my parents’ passover. But this is pretty much every guy’s thoughts, depending on his penchant for ass or boobs. That’s a roller coaster. If you go through that process again, you’ll realize that I came to three very specific conclusions: I had fun, we both like brunch, and I want to have sex with her. And let’s say I got very lucky and sex happened after that date. What would be the next step?
Well, here are my thoughts as I climax as well as during the four minutes after:
“I did it! Three minutes. Off the clock. Climax as you will, Jared. She’s really cute. I like her on top. Great boobs. I knew it. Okay, here we go. Time to let the boys go. Is the condom broken? No you checked when you switched positions. Go for it. Make more noise than you really do. Okay. Ahh, make more noise. Okay, stop shaking. Ha! That tickles. OH MY GOD. What have I done? I don’t even know this person. She’s nice but her boobs are just okay. I should go to the bathroom. Condoms smell horrible. Pee. Spread ass cheeks. Okay, good to no-noise fart. I have to leave. Just cuddle for a bit and say you have to wake up early. She’s already in sweats. Oh man, her comforter sucks. I can’t believe we just had sex. Does she like me? I really hope she doesn’t like me. I could be into her, but I want to do this again with people who aren’t her. I’m not ready for marriage. Is she on the pill? If she has a baby I’ll kill myself. Listen, Jared, just get through the night and you’ll slowly back away over the next few months. Dinner next week. Then you’re busy the next week. Then you meet up late night. Don’t have sex. Get weird. And keep fading away. You’ll be free and clear by Thanksgiving. And she won’t think you’re a jerk.”
Now let’s go over what we know from this hypothetical situation. We went on a date, we had fun, we both like brunch, and she had the best sex of her life (this is my hypothetical). It should teach us one thing: cum is a mind altering drug.
When a guy is “intoxicated” he’s listening but he isn’t. He’s into you but he’s more into “it.” He thinks your story is funny but not that funny. It’s only when a guy is “sober” that the realities set in. The realities that most girls want boyfriends and double dates and Sunday night TV and wedding parties and plus ones to said wedding parties. And most guys know this and most guys don’t want to be a jerk. But what do we say? “Hey, I had fun on that date but I was “drunk” so I really wasn’t thinking right–you know, about the consequences of this sexual experience.” She’ll say, “We had three drinks.” And we will shake our heads. She just can’t understand.
Of course, the girl has a choice in this whole thing, too. But this example is to show how little guys will put into their connection with a girl to determine if he should have sex with her. Most girls need that connection. Part of that is ingrained, but some of that is all the guy parts that make a girl hot, which aren’t shown to the public. Girls are playing Russian roulette when they have sex with a guy. She might open those pants and find a baby carrot, so the connection has to get her to a place the carrot can’t.
My advice to this girl is that this guy had sex with her while he was “drunk.” He reached his drunken goal of sex. When you reach your goal, you have to find new ones. The only new one is a relationship, which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s not something he even put thought into while his mind was altered. He knows this is your goal (or at least trying to see if this could be a relationship) and he backed off because he’s now using his brain. He’s trying not to be a jerk by prolonging the back off. When he gets back in touch, it’s not because a story about you to made him happy. He saw pictures. This takes us back to the connection thing. A picture made him a little bit “drunk.” You should stop texting with him and try to find a new guy who wants the same things as you when he’s both “drunk” and “sober.”
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.