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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q: Met this guy via tinder- after hinting multiple times that he wanted to get together and talking about all of these things he wanted to do together I finally asked him out. We had a lot of fun and he even said ‘wait till I see you next I have something for you’. He’s initiated the texts everyday since then but haven’t heard anything as far as seeing each other again. Did I set the wrong tone by asking him to hang out first? Is he now going to expect that I’m going to be the one to make plans again? I’m not going to ask him to hangout but I’d really like to see him again.
A: I don’t think it’s wrong for a girl to ask a guy out in the same way I don’t think it’s wrong when Mom drives Dad’s car while he sits in the passenger seat. Like, sure, the car is moving forward and this family is getting to Applebee’s in a reasonable amount of time. It always feels like something’s a bit off, though. Mom keeps asking where Dad keeps his E-ZPass and dad keeps pushing his foot down on a fake brake. I sit in the back asking Mom questions and she yells at me because “there’s too much going on.” Dad controls the radio and today’s the day he’s giving slow jams a shot. Like a girl asking a guy out, everything is going to a place we need to go but in a way we’ve never done before, and people can’t help but not feel right. This may sound a little old-fashioned and anti-feminist, but it’s all about that feeling. We live in a world where our equality has changed, but the things that cause us to feel have not. A girl will offer to pay for drinks, but she’ll feel a lot better about the date if he confidently says, “I got this.” A guy will be happy his girlfriend joined him at the ballgame, but he’ll feel a lot more “dude” if she asks him to explain something about the game. I’m sure relationships can start when a girl pushes for that first date, but both sides have to play along.
A girl meets a guy in a bar and they’re hitting it off. She’s having fun, he’s slinging shots around, numbers get exchanged, some Frenching goes down, and it ends with her saying, “Let’s get a drink sometime,” then I’d say it all feels right. She may have brought up the idea of a date first, but that ball lands in his court. At some point he’s going to need to make a move or he’s acting weird and very “anti-guy.” A guy feels good when he gets a “yes” to a date. A guy walks a little more confidently when he puts a plan together that makes the girl want to come back for date two. Our ego is stroked. So no matter where you meet, whether it be a bar or Tinder or a fix up, if he isn’t doing the ego stroking activities, then he’s acting against normalcy. Something is off and there’s one of two things that are happening. He could have another girl out there somewhere. He might hold on to you while he figures out what to do with the other girl (short of throwing her in a river). Or, a less likely but more likely than you’d think scenario, he’s trying to gain trust via texting. Every text exchange is just a little more time of fake getting to know you that leads to an eventual “hangout” and not a date. It’s just text that builds upon text that gets you two communicating for enough time where a meet up and a sleepover makes a girl feel comfortable telling her friends without judgement.
My advice to this girl is to not directly ask him out again. For a guy talking about how much he’s going to shock you with his next date, he’s only shocked us with his lack of balls. I’d call him at his word. Next time he writes you something like that, write back, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Then let him come with a plan. No plan means there’s either that other girl or he’s holding out for that effortless hookup, because he’s not serious. If that response is too strong, then write him, “I’m free next week, let me know when you’re ready to go out.” That’s making it very easy on him. If he has an excuse, then write, “sounds good” and let this one go. If he makes a plan, then suggest you driving him in his car to Applebee’s–you’ll both have a nice laugh and maybe even a date.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.