Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q: I hooked up with a friend of a friend a few weeks ago and we both agreed not to tell anyone as it might shake up our group of friends. He later told me that his best friend noticed that I messaged him, so I told my friends thinking it was ok. I later found out that the guy I hooked up with made up some excuse about why I messaged him and he is now mad that everyone knows we hooked up when we had an agreement not to tell anyone. He said he isn’t mad but its been 2 weeks, I thought he would be over it by now. What should I do?
A: Any time I hear a relationship (of any kind) is a secret, I know there’s something wrong. Men are born hunters. We want to go out and catch something and hold it up to the sky for everyone to see and approve. Since Whole Foods exists, there are less and less chances for us to go out and kill. Now, the only real “catch” we can get is a girl. Girls don’t know this, but when we like them we want to show them off. We want them to meet our friends, our parents, and the catcaller on our corner to see what hot nickname she gets. We want to hold you up like a big fish we just caught that’s going to feed the whole village (read: our ego). So when there’s a secret relationship, I always wonder why. What else is up? Is there another girlfriend? Are you his type but his “type” is a little off the radar for his buddies? He’s not showing you off, so there’s something else going on.
Our girl this week says the two of them didn’t want to “shake up our group of friends.” To that, I say you’ve already ruined the group. You two hooked up and you can’t go back. In every hookup there are consequences: friendships change, babies get made, STDs get transferred. Sure, this may change the group’s dynamic but that’s going to happen whether this is a secret or not. If anything, the secrecy changes the group even more. First you two have inside jokes, then you separate yourself from the others, then you irrationally hate him for reasons the group can’t explain. At least if you guys are honest about it, then you can all share the fun of this roller coaster ride and the whole group can know the size of his penis.
I’ve been the guy our texter is talking about. I’ve been the guy to keep things quiet, and the real reason was always insecurity. I’ve never met a guy who didn’t date a girl because it would make everyone else feel awkward. I’ve never had a buddy say, “Yeah, Stacey wanted to give me a blowjob but I didn’t want things between us to change” because in the long run, everyone will be just fine. The worry is that when he goes to hold his kill for the village to see that his best friend will yell, “That meat is gross!” Then he’s left walking through his village as the guy who eats meat with a fat ass.
What should she do? My advice is to move on. Don’t hate him because this whole thing wasn’t about you. He’s only mad because he feels naked. Hooking up with you revealed a truth about him he wasn’t ready to share. That could be one of a million different truths that aren’t even worth figuring out. Try to understand and move on, knowing one day he will grow up and you’ll have time to meet guys that are comfortable in their own skin. His catcaller might even give you an awesome new nickname.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions here or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns and podcasts he produces for TotalFratMove.com.