Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q: I met a guy at a party. Really nice and cute. We went on a couple of dates but I’m just not that into it. We still text and he’s trying to go out again but I just don’t know if it’s even necessary for us to have an “ending.” How do I let this guy know I’m not into it?
A: When a girl is in the process of getting turned down, she forms a committee. She and her group of friends go over every fact of how she and the guy met, texted, dated, and spooned. Then she polls that group to figure out if “he’s into it.” I know about this committee because I’ve been a part of it. I’ve gotten the 2,000 word Gchat breakdown. I’ve been at the brunches. I’ve seen the girl explain a red flag riddled relationship with a guy who is phasing her out. I’ve watched a table of her friends open their eyes wider and wider and furrow their eyebrows to a point where everyone looks like they’re on a high speed roller coaster. The group takes large sips of mimosas, and there’s always the one friend who gets too drunk and screams, “I’m so fat” as she eats the last bit of her pancakes. The commiseration that girls go through with every prospective guy is why we’re often afforded the luxury of a girl fading away like Marty McFly’s brother in that picture.
This committee doesn’t exist for guys. I’ve never gotten the Gchat novel explaining that my buddy met a chick on a Tuesday and how it was “like, a real meeting.” I’ve never been at a brunch when a guy at the table says, “After the date, she totally said we should do this again. Why would she say that if she didn’t mean it?” I’ve never had these types of conversations, because guys have egos. We want all our friends living in a world where we could kill a lion (if there was no Whole Foods) and where we would never get turned down. And since there’s no committee, guys are left alone with their own thoughts. The same thoughts that tell him he only needs a week of working out and being healthy to go to the beach. The same thoughts that tell him to send a “Touch it?” message over Tinder. The same thoughts that are constantly echoed by his mom every time he puts on a suit. So, without commiseration, there is no awkward brunch silence and girls very rarely get a guy who will just fade away. He will keep trying because he’s him and he’s the best. The more “dudely” the guy, the more he’ll use any loophole you give him to believe you want to see his penis (which is huge, just ask him).
This means that any guy you’re at least pleasant with will not get the message. Being pleasant means you like him, returning his texts means you’d be down to at least meet up late night, and looking in his general direction at the bar means you’d do anal. This isn’t because you look a certain way, but because, again, our moms say we look handsome in suits. You need to be direct, and you can do that in one of two ways. The first is to stop answering any text that he sends. I know that feels mean, but it’s way more mean to tell him what you’re doing Saturday night. If you need attention, join Tinder. The other way is to text him something like, “Hey, I had fun going out but this won’t work out.” No “maybe” or “I think” or smiley faces. Be direct and to the point. Yes, it will hurt and you’d hate to get that text, but guys are like bears–he will attack unless you stab him right in the heart. Then he’ll masturbate and move on.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.