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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q: We met online. Our first date was a week and a half ago and we have seen each other four times and slept together twice. We obviously have spent a lot of time together. We talk a lot and things have been going well. Needless to say, things are moving quickly. Anyway, last night we were out with some friends and he brought up my online dating account. He went on to say that he notices I’m always “online”, etc. This conversation continued into this morning and he asked me if I was continuing to go on dates through the site. I told him that I wasn’t because for me it feels strange (and complicated) to see more than one person at a time. He then told me that he was continuing to pursue other girls on the site and he is actively dating. “Just so I know.” I feel like he’s into me and I do not expect exclusivity right now by any means, but I was a little surprised and hurt. He can absolutely date other people, but why bring it up now…in my bed…after a week and a half? And why is he so concerned with my online activity? Is his questioning coming from a place of insecurity or a subtle way of telling me to back off? Are we on totally different pages?
A: This is one of those questions like, “Should I have eaten Chipotle before the gym?” and “Does this dress make me look fat? and “I wonder if she was on the pill?” and “Is it too late to abort this toddler?” What I’m saying is, if you’re asking about it, then it’s probably too late. The usual course of events with a situation like this is that you meet a guy online (and, yes, Tinder counts), then you go one some dates, then you think about that friend who met her husband online, then you get excited, then you go to Crate and Barrel because you’re not one of those “register at Bloomies” bitches, and then you get that call. The call from your single friend who just saw YOUR guy on Tinder. At first, you’re a little mad, but then you come to the realization that maybe you jumped ahead. Maybe he was just faking it. When a guy finds out a girl faked an orgasm, at least he’s climaxing. But when a girl finds out a guy’s been fake dating, it makes her question her own sanity. You start asking, “What did I do?” and, “Should I get checked out?” and “Is that definitely an ingrown hair?”
Most of this is about the male ego, and it shouldn’t be taken personally. I live in New York City and I like getting Chinese food delivered. There are literally 20 places I could get delivery from on every occasion and I’m always disappointed. I’m always left wondering if maybe I should have gone to that other place. I don’t think people from small towns have that same issue. They have one Chinese food place and it’s good because it has to be–there’s nothing else out there that could have been better. They’re never pissed off, because they thought that this was the place with the homemade fried soup crackers when it was actually the place with the packaged soup crackers (a mistake that ruined my month). They just have that one Chinese place that gets the job done and it has them pooping within a reasonable amount of time. This is the issue with online dating. Meeting someone the regular way is like living in that small town. When you meet someone online, you’re on a street with 20 Chinese restaurants and the guy is always questioning, “Could I have done better?”
That Chinese food explanation is probably the worst way to have a guy explain why he’s still swiping on Tinder, but it’s the reality. And that’s the “Why?” that you’ll probably want, but not be able to get. The major issue for any girl is that a conversation about still being on a dating site is usually post-sex and pre-relationship. It’s the no man’s land of dating, where a “talk” can feel like it’s coming way too soon. I’d much rather have a talk about birth control methods with my grandmother than I would have a “talk” three dates in with a girl I’m just getting to know. The fact is, you’re a good person, but you’re not the one he’s settling with. If you felt something enough to be sideswiped by your friend’s call, then you’re not on the same page as the guy. Have a fat night–order some egg rolls, think about how you should have gone to the place with the better duck sauce, and then move on.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.