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The PGA Tour is full of characters. There are those from all paths of life coming together to play a sacred sport that commands the utmost respect. Through every tournament, we watch leaderboards in-person and on television hoping to see our favorite players. We form a familiar bond with our said favorites while brushing off others whose names we recognize but don’t necessarily know.
Which is why we need the PGA Tour All-Name Team.
The premise of The PGA Tour All-Name Team is similar to that of the Inside Lacrosse’s All-Name Team which aimed to “poke fun at the tired stereotypes of lacrosse athletes as snooty blue-bloods.” These are names that you’d see made up in a novel about a boarding school on the East Coast, not just exotic names that sound funny once you get to the United States.
Honorable Mentions / No Longer On Tour
P. H. Horgan III
Joey Snyder III
Now let’s get into this year’s crop of players.
Billy Hurley III
Anytime your name ends with Roman numerals, you’re going to find yourself on this list. I don’t care if you’re Billy Hurley III who has won a grand total of $0 on Tour this year — you’re on this list.
Some call him the greatest of all-time, some think he’s a scumbag. But hey, when you’ve got a name like Tiger, that just comes with the territory. Plus, the kicker is having the last name “Woods” when you’ve won 14 majors. It’s a storybook name.
And yes, I know he’s not currently on tour, but if you’re exempt for life to play in The Masters, you’re alright in my book.
Hudson Swafford (Nationwide Tour)
“Hudson Swafford” sounds like the name of a county in Connecticut or Massachusetts, not a dude just stroking it on Tour. When your name’s Hudson fucking Swafford, you’re going to end up on this list some way or another.
Wesley Bryan (Web.com Tour)
Much like Roman numerals, having two first names turns you into a first ballot PGA Tour All-Name Teamer. Yeah, we talked with his caddy-for-the-weekend Chad Coleman on the podcast this week so we’re a little biased, but who wouldn’t be?
The current #1 ranked partier from the legendary Bahamas trip with Spieth, Thomas, and Fowler, Smylie Kaufman’s name alone gets his foot in the door as an all-out favorite amongst the youngsters. Filter in the fact that he was in the final group at The Masters with Spieth and we’ve got ourselves a clubhouse favorite.
Freddy “Boom Boom” Couples
Boom boom boom! Now let me hear you say “wayoh!”
Yeah, I’m quoting Outhere Brothers in tribute to the best dad golfer in the business. When you’re an old-timer rocking a pair of Eccos on the course while still maintaining the name of “Boom Boom,” you’re getting the nod. Plus he’s got underrated flow which really is a big factor here.
Bo Van Pelt
Points for “Bo,” points for “Van,” points for “Pelt” to tie it all together. It sounds like this dude’s name was made in a Frat Lab. Sounds like the type of guy who would kill a deer with his bare hands while hunting because the potential kill shot was a little bit off.
Besides the fact that his name sounds like that of a weed strain, Bud Cauley was just a Florida boy who went to Alabama for college and is now swingin’ his sticks on the PGA Tour.
Davis Love III
Someone ask for some more Roman numerals? Because DL3 has a bunch of ’em. 2016 Ryder Cup Team Captain? 1997 PGA Championship? Looks just like one of your dad’s friend who would slip you beers as a kid? Yes, yes, and yes.
If you’ve got the name “Russell Knox,” you better be able to take down some brown liquor because everyone’s going to be buying you shots. The name itself just smells like manliness. Plus he’s Scottish, so he could have probably drank you under the table at the age of 13.
Yeah, he’s got psycho eyes and wears a flat brim, but he’s a Boston boy with two first names so he has to get the call-up. Much like Patrick Kane and the Olympics, I’m only a fan of Keegan when the Ryder Cup comes around or if he’s on the leaderboard surrounded by a bunch of foreigners.
Despite the fact that he’s a weirdo whose clubs are all the same length and treats the game as a science, Dechambeau’s name rivals Smylie Kaufman’s when it comes to the young guns in this year’s class. After dropping out of Southern Methodist University, he’s actually making a name for himself despite being a psycho.
He clearly doesn’t know how to spell “Graham,” but he’s one of the few on the list with two last which warrants some attention. He’s proof that even short thick dudes can make it on the tour which is something I think we can all get behind.
The name “Brandt Snedeker” + Luxurious Hair + High Crown Visor = Welcome to the 2016 PGA All-Name Team.
Another member of the Two Last Names Club, Brooks Koepka was a top-10 finisher at the 2015 British Open and is a tall glass of water to boot. Just a strong looking dude with a strong name, so you have to think he’s going places.
He’s a dude named Boo who pretended to ride a horse off the tee at the Ryder Cup after blasting his drive. He’s also the resident team redneck, which shouldn’t surprise anyone considering his name is fucking Boo.
Charles Howell III
Good ole Chuckie Three-Stick would probably be #1 on the list had this been a ranking rather than a team effort, but he’ll be pleased to see himself making waves. Plus, he’s literally from Augusta, Georgia which is a dream destination for anyone with an affinity for golf.
A US Open Champion, devout Christian, and a loveable smile create an intoxicating mixture when it comes to Webb. One of the most boring choices on this year’s squad? Yes, of course. But you can’t take his name or that US Open away from him.
As a rope hat enthusiast, Harris English is an esteemed member of the Two Last Names Club which (as we know) is always a good thing. He also tweeted me one time, so yeah, we’re essentially best friends.
Sure, he’s a whiner, but if your name is Bubba, you better be able to do one of these two things — bomb a golf ball or clean a fish in under a minute. Bubba doesn’t strike me as the latter, but we know he can knock the piss out of a Titleist.
The second Russell on the list, Russell Henley almost feels like the more sensitive twin in the Russell Bros family. A Two Last Names Club member, you’d have to imagine he’ll be on the squad for years to come.
“COLT” is just the type of name you want to scream when someone enters a bar and you’re three sheets to the wind. Maybe it’s because of Colt 45 Malt Liquor, maybe it’s because of the horse. But either way, the name itself crushes.
The lone acronym on the list, J.B. stands for John Bradley. He’s also a Campbellsville, Kentucky native who you’d have to think would be best friends with Boo Weekley should they split a bottle of bourbon. .
Image via YouTube