I haven’t been a huge fan of haircuts since I was in the 10th grade. Middle school through my sophomore year of high school I legitimately thought I was a great basketball player. All of my favorite basketball players rocked the buzzcut. Girls, school, social events—none of it mattered to me. All I wanted to do was play basketball. I quickly learned that there isn’t really a place for a kid whose best attribute is the Bob Cousy “runner.” I’m no slouch in the world of pick-up basketball, but in organized high school basketball, there wasn’t a need for me. I rode the bench on the junior varsity team and gave it up when I started my junior year to play golf. But when you live with a brain that’s telling you you’re really good at basketball, you need a haircut that matches that attitude.
I rocked a buzzcut in 9th and 10th grade, which never got me anywhere with girls and also looked patently ridiculous on a white boy with mediocre court vision and a penchant for turning the ball over. I thought it was a great look until I realized that flow was the only way to go. In college, I went a year and a half without a haircut, which resulted in hair down to my shoulders. It looked awesome, but I started interning with various offices my last two years in school and had to get a more conservative look. I’m ashamed to admit that I rocked a cut that is now seen on just about every male between the ages of 22 and 28. And it needs to be stopped.
This millennial-centered epidemic is an issue that I’m sure many of you have sub-consciously noticed for a few years now. I went to a rooftop bar yesterday, six hours after winning a battle against food poisoning. From Saturday at around 11:00 p.m. all the way until Sunday morning at 5:30, I was throwing up. I couldn’t keep water down, and at one point I considered going to a hospital down the street because I was afraid my appendix was rupturing. It wasn’t. Just a good old fashioned case of me eating food of the Asian variety that may have been dropped on a kitchen floor before being served.
A friend of mine made a Facebook event about going to this particular rooftop two weeks ago, so as much as I wanted to lie in my bed yesterday and catch up on the sleep that evaded me Saturday night, it was simply too nice outside to not go out and have a few drinks. What I noticed when I arrived was so laughable to an extent I didn’t think could be real. Short haircuts on men are all the rage right now. And every guy at this bar–conservative estimate would be 75%– had the exact. same. haircut. The market has become over saturated in regards to the one particular look. I know a high and tight is essentially a buzzcut, but you know what I mean.
Buzzed on the sides with some longer hair on top. I’m not here to judge. I have a mop on top of my head right now and I’ve been wrestling with myself for well over three months about chopping it all off. It’s a hassle in the summer months. My head gets hot, I sweat more than everyone else, and if I don’t keep up with daily maintenance it gets gross very quickly. But my God. We as a male species really need to get some variation in the haircut game. While I love Peaky Blinders, we’re not in 20th century Birmingham. Arthur Shelby and the rest of his gang more than likely had that kind of haircut because lice were prevalent. I’m hoping you don’t live somewhere where that is a huge issue.
Everyone looks like they’re five minutes away from checking into an English Premier League game. Let those tossers and shape shaggers across the pond have this one. Believe it or not, there is actually something called “British style.” Let them be British, and you stay American. Grow your hair out. Or maybe just request something a tad different from what everyone else is getting. Not all of us have to have the slicked back, long-ish hair on top with shaved sides. It’s now redundant, and I have to think that girls are noticing. You don’t want to be put into a category when you’re getting eyes from a girl down the way at the bar. That’s a sure fire way to become forgettable.
I get that some people have to have a cropped conservative look for work. But why not roll into your salon or barber shop and ask them for one of those pompadour looks. Maybe get dreads like my boy Justin Bieber has right now? Rock the Caesar haircut like early 2000’s George Clooney. Hell, get a man bun. It’s better than being ordinary. Anything. Anything other than what I’m now going to call the “Peaky Blinders cut” for the rest of time. We as males have to be better than this..
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