There are only two kinds of people in this world: those who love “House Hunters” and those who are obsessed with “House Hunters.” Don’t let the 26.2 sticker on the back of my car fool you–that’s just a reference to the number of episodes I can watch in one sitting. Popular television comes and goes, but snooping on a couple as they deliberate between three housing choices will never cease to entertain. It is a show that has everything: mystery (How old is the plumbing?), suspense (Will they pick house number three?), and endless amounts of relationship drama.
Go ahead and pour your drink of choice when you get home from work today. One of life’s simplest joys is the reassurance that “House Hunters” is always on TV. Set the channel to HGTV and enter the realty-induced fugue state that is a “House Hunters” binge. You’ll swear off drinking within the first five minutes of the episode if you follow these rules.
- Is Suzanne Whang hosting the episode? Take a sip. Quit playing the game right now if you do not know who Suzanne Whang is, you uncultured swine.
- Take a sip every time any of the following terms are mentioned: open-concept floor plan, granite countertops, stainless steel, storage space, his-and-hers sinks, and move in ready.
- If the couple is ambitiously looking for a fixer upper, take a sip.
- Every time they tour a house with dangerous electrical wiring, take a sip.
- Does the unfinished basement give you the creeps? Take a sip.
- Take a sip if anyone complains about how this will add too much time to his or her commute.
- Take a sip if any dialogue like the following takes place: “This will make a great office,” he says. Then she says, “Or a nursery!”
- Some couples make no sense. If you spent the better part of the episode trying to figure out how they even met, take two sips.
- Fighting already and they haven’t even checked out the backyard? Take two sips. This couple should look for a home in Splitsville.
- If anyone flirts with the realtor, take two sips.
- If she opens the larger bedroom closet and says something like, “This is where all my clothes will go,” take two sips.
- Are you cringing because they’re touring the master bedroom and the couple exchanges seductive glances and nervously laughter? Take two sips.
- Take two sips if “House Hunters: International” comes on next. Your night just got upgraded.
- If you are watching “Law and Order: SVU” during the commercial breaks, take two sips.
- Take three sips and if they definitely picked the wrong house. You’ve watched so many episodes that you are an authority on real estate investments.
- Take three sips when you realize that a couple, just a few years older than you, is purchasing a house. Finish your drink if they are looking for a house that costs more than $500,000.
- Finish your drink if it’s the episode with Toofer from “30 Rock.”