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Another day, another New York Times Vows article praising the idiocy of people who have way too much money at their disposal. While this isn’t your normal overwrought marriage announcement, this past Friday, they blessed us with the stories of numerous couples who were unbearable in their own right – a bunch of couples who decided to make the grandest of grand entrances to their weddings.
The New York Times begins with the story of Arvin Reddy, a 38-year-old man who was to be wed in Mexico.
Where was Arvin?
Why was he late?
Was he going to show?
Then Mr. Reddy descended 10,000 feet from the sky, strapped to an expert skydiver, the parachute blowing behind as they miraculously hit their mark.
Yeah, this spectacular dumbass entered his own wedding by parachute as if he’s trying to kick off football season.
Okay, so like, what’s the best case scenario here? That Arvin gets his name in the paper alongside a bunch of insufferable hipsters and yuppies? Alright, that’s fine. That’s Arvin’s prerogative. But what’s the worst case scenario? That something goes incredibly wrong during his grand entrance and he barrel rolls into 30 of his closest family and friends only for the wedding to turn in a wake? Like what if the parachute malfunctions and Arvin torpedoes into the ocean?
The New York Times goes on to explain, “Grand arrivals can be entertaining and memorable, and help set the mood.” And yeah, they’re actually right here. But “entertaining” doesn’t always mean “good” and “memorable” doesn’t always mean that it’s for good reasons. They further explain the new fad of entering your wedding like you’re Gob from Arrested Development by utilizing “yachts, parachutes or helicopters, Ferrari 458 Italias, snowboards or lifts, horse and carriage or elephant.”
And while sure, taking a chairlift to a mountaintop wedding is actually a smart and normal choice, ripping up a country club driveway in a Ferrari 458 Italia just screams, “Look at how much of an asshole I am – I definitely begged the DJ to play LMFAO tonight to get things started.”
They further explain that people are willing to spend up to $2,000 to enter their wedding by Bell Ranger helicopter because nothing says “romance” like your guests getting wind rash as you rip down to your ceremony like you’re Bear Grylls saving someone from scaling Everest. But even the people who are doing these entrances are kind of admitting that they might not be the best ideas.
For those marrying near a body of water, arrivals by boat have become popular. Ashley Little Pitman was married on May 24, 2014, at her parents’ home by the Tchefuncte River in Louisiana, where she surprised guests when she emerged from a four-minute ride in a borrowed 32-foot boat.
“I tripped on my wedding dress and almost fell into the water while getting out, but my brothers caught me,” said Ms. Pitman, 31.
Hell hath no fury like a soaking wet bride who nearly drowned because her dress retained enough water to drown a mid-sized animal. Unfortunately, these realizations didn’t dawn on everyone as the story ends with our high-flying pal Arvin’s wife explaining that she wished she skydived with him.
“As Arvin descended, I could see him wave to me,” she said. “He looked peaceful, and I couldn’t stop laughing from nerves and excitement. When I look back, I wish I had jumped and arrived like that, too. It would have been better to share that particular experience with him.”
I guess the entire point of weddings is to celebrate the concept of “forever,” but I don’t think people are really aiming for their “forever” to last for the thirty seconds before they go careening into the priest at mach speeds because their parachute malfunctioned. .
[via New York Times]
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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this makes me want to vomit
I think that the mental image of some guy in a tux rocketing into a priest at >100mph is what’s gonna get me through till lunch. Thanks, man.
When did wedding entrances have to be done by the 101st Airborne or model a D-Day landing? What ever happened to showing up, maybe hitting a dab, and going to the alter?
Didn’t Uncle Jesse from Full House go skydiving on his wedding day? Remember how that turned out?
Personally wished that bride fell in the water
I was the best man in a wedding where the bride originally wanted the groomsmen to ride up to the church on horseback. I shit you not. Luckily, she came to her senses on how stupid that was.
If you’re not walking in like the title scene in Reservoir Dogs, then you’re not doing it right.