The ‘Most Hipster Things About The New Williamsburg Whole Foods’ Are All Hilariously Horrible

The 'Most Hipster Things About The New Williamsburg Whole Foods' Are All Hilariously Horrible

If your pockets are deep enough and your personality pretentious enough, Whole Foods is the perfect place to go grocery shopping. I don’t want to live in a world where avocados aren’t organic and chickens are raised in cages, so neither should you. I don’t want to spend $14.35 for dinner at their salad bar, but I have to because that’s the environmentally responsible thing to do. If you’re not willing to pay top-dollar for sustainably grown vegetables and grass fed beef, do you even care about the environment or the world we live in?

In the most surprising news I’ve heard in 2016, Williamsburg doesn’t have a Whole Foods. But that’s all changing on July 26 when the new location will be opening, and as noted by Thrillist, it’s probably going to be the most hipster Whole Foods the world has ever seen. Gentrification is beautiful, isn’t it?

“A hybrid tap room/Jewish delicatessen for pastrami & craft cocktails.”

Whenever I’m eating a gigantic pastrami sandwich loaded with kraut and Thousand Island dressing, the only thought that goes through my head is, “Fuck, I wish I had $14 craft cocktail to wash this all down with.” Thrillist clarifies, “If you were planning on enjoying your corned beef with a liquor made outside of the five boroughs, you can excuse yourself to the nearest peasant cocktail bar,” which is exactly what the fuck you should do.

Lobster-on-a-stick and vegan parfaits… while you shop.

Anita’s Coconut Yogurt will be serving yogurt with “cruelty-free, paleo toppings,” just in case you absolutely need that sort of thing while you’re buying your $300 worth of groceries for the week. Additionally, the one thing I’ve always said was lacking at Whole Foods is the fact that I can’t eat lobster off of a skewer, but thankfully, that’s all been remedied by Luke’s Tail Cart which will surely be serving dry-ass lobster tails on a portable shishkebab.

A touchscreen kiosk for “foraging.”

Gone are the days of entering Whole Foods and searching endlessly for Chilean ghost peppers that don’t exist – now you can go to a virtual kiosk that will locate the world’s most diverse range of “sixty specialty produce [items] like white strawberries, starfruit, Chinese long beans, and more.” During my traveling to Europe (read: 11th-grade school trip), I tried some beans native only to France that I’ve been absolutely craving ever since. Thankfully, the awful days of not eating the world’s rarest foraged vegetables are over.

A local, specialty ice cream shop in-house.

Thrillist puts it perfectly in saying, “Really, why buy a $2 ice cream sandwich when you can have something at least three times the price made right here in Brooklyn?” And I can’t echo those sentiments enough. When I buy something as simple as ice cream, I want my wallet to take a hit so that I know that ice cream is something special. Getting a deal or discount on something is essentially saying, “I’m poor and can’t afford things that really matter.”

Fresh, sustainably sourced poke bowls.

Avocado toast, shishito peppers, and acai bowls are so 2015, you guys. If you’re really trying to up your food game on Instagram, look no further – poke bowls have officially been voted The Most Instagrammable Food of 2016*. And now you can find them at the Williamsburg Whole Foods, along with every unbearable person in Williamsburg.

*By me.

[via Thrillist]

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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