The Most Absolutely Idiotic Foods To Order On A First Date

The Most Absolutely Idiotic Foods To Order On A First Date

I’m not proclaiming myself to be an expert in the dating world, but I will give myself credit when credit is due – I know how to crush a first date. Do girls quickly realize by the third or fourth date that I’m complete trash? Well, yeah, but that’s not the point here.

I started having a conversation with a few fellow coworkers the other day about first dates, and after some debate on etiquette, I mentioned some foods you avoid ordering on a first date. I was amazed that this wasn’t widely accepted among the group. There are just some foods you have no business shoveling into your mouth while trying to carry on a get-to-know-you conversation with someone, which is more than the likely the first time you’ve been around each other sober. See below if you want truth-bombs dropped on you about foods to avoid on first dates.

If you’re ordering ribs, you should be taken out in the street and shot. I honestly would feel no sympathy for you if your date got up and left as soon as you turned to the waiter and said, “Yea, I think I’ll take the full rack of baby back ribs tonight!” You would think this is obvious, but I’ve heard of guys ordering this on a first date and I just can’t comprehend how you think that’s the move here. Being drenched in BBQ sauce from head to toe while gnawing on a pork bone and inevitably getting charred pork bits stuck in your teeth is not a good look. You’re sending an upfront statement here that you’re trash, and as I’ve stated above you should try to hide that fact for as long as you can.

Once again, you’re going to have chicken bits in your teeth and sauce all over you. This is a highly aggressive order for your first date and in no way shape or form a smart play. Watching you go through a whole roll of paper towels to wipe off your hot sauce-soaked face and hands is not going to get you a second date, and if it does, you need to run fast because she’s probably a psychopath. However, you would both probably be psychopaths so there could be some compatibility potential there. I’ve listened to the argument that boneless is acceptable, but for me it’s still a hard no. Ordering any type of wing is not putting out the proper vibes you need to be sending.

So I’m not as aggressively against this order, I just feel like the risk of getting something green stuck in your teeth is extremely high considering you’re eating a bowl-full of green shit. This is the sneaky little bastard that seems inconspicuous, but it will low-key torpedo your first date if not handled properly. Having anything in your teeth, especially a big fat piece of green lettuce, is the stuff first date nightmares are made of. It’s impossible to be charming and witty with that going on. I would highly suggest avoiding the silent killer at all cost. Also, if you’re going with ranch as your dressing, it is guaranteed to get on your face and make you look like a clown.

Not only is there the obvious danger of getting sauce on your shirt, but the probability of also flinging it everywhere — including on your date — while trying to spiral the spaghetti on your fork is real. Honestly, this selection has less to do about the sauce and more to do with you slurping down noodles in front of someone you just met. The slurping sound is one of the most disgusting sounds known to man, and making it on a first date is once again putting out the trash vibe you want to cover up at all costs. Also, spaghetti gives off a kids’ menu vibe to me. You’re an adult, so order an adult adult-ish meal.

Keep it simple on your first date with food choices, guys. It shouldn’t be that difficult to do and yet I’ve heard and witnessed many people make this fatal flaw who later wonder why they didn’t get a second date. Your meal is one of the most overlooked pieces of the puzzle to a successful first date. You’re welcome, America.

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Walton Dalton

Favorite spot was the Waffle House.

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