The Lunchtime Confessional


We polled the PGP writing staff about their most embarrassing lunchtime stories. It’s gold, Jerry. Gold.

“I just ate Taco Cabana alone in my car. So…”
-The D-Man

“I once ordered an entire stuffed crust pizza to my desk and ate half of it out of the box like a savage.”
-Brian McGannon

“Yesterday a kid’s mom did an inadvertent thizz face and remarked that something smelled like pepto bismol and spoiled milk. 
I held up the strawberry Ensure I was drinking for lunch.”

“Last Friday I was super hungover. I walked to a restaurant from work, looking like the Unabomber’s sister, amongst people that actually look like they work. Justified a pizza to myself; sat down at a table to devour it, which was right next to a table full of girls who looked to be around my age. They conducted a prayer at their table after they finished their meal, in the midst of me shoving ranch with a side of pizza in my booze-smelling face. It was the longest prayer ever.”

“My boss bought us “local fish” for lunch once. I live in Nebraska. Take out place also looks like a drug front with a flag that says “FISH” outside of it.”

“I’ve ordered entire pizzas to my desk before and eaten…the entire pizza. One time I went out with coworkers, got a pizza on which they forgot a topping, and ate both it and the free replacement pizza.”
-Roger Sterling Jr.

“I have a strange ritual on Thursdays when we tape two shows in one day where I try to only eat when everyone else is out of my office. I usually eat the same thing every week: A Lunch Special from a Chinese restaurant near the office. Just a shithole, hole in the wall Chinese place that makes insane food. Also, I order it half an hour before lunch specials end because, well, I’m cheap as hell. When my boss goes downstairs for the show taping, I time the food to arrive 5 minutes after he goes down to the stage, I open the windows, consume my food like a cartoon character on coke, spray after I eat, throw out the garbage in a separate room and go back to whatever I was doing. I think they call that an “eating disorder.”

“All of my old female coworkers (my age) were all extremely snooty because they trapped rich guys into marrying them early. One woman was known to charter planes if her commercial flight got delayed so she wouldn’t miss a dinner reservation in NY. Needless to say, their lunches typically cost about half of my weekly grocery bill. The first time I got an invitation to eat lunch with them a la Mean Girls, when I was still a new employee, I had brought a lean cuisine for lunch. I heated it up, transferred it to a break room paper plate, and pretended it was some awesome recipe I whipped up to not look pathetic. I fooled no one.”
-The Recruitment Chair

“I made ceviche with Alaskan cod instead of tilapia or snapper and it took me an extra 30 seconds to chew a bite.”

“Just started working at a new company, in a new state, first week on the job. Sitting in my car eating lunch, spilled shit all over my slacks, couldn’t go home because I had a 45 minute commute, so I went all afternoon with soiled khakis.”
-TN Bluegrass

So, let’s hear it out in the comments section. What’s your most embarrassing lunch story?

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