The Letter I Wish I Could Send On My Last Day

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Dear Coworkers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. Now that my dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your total lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers. In an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistakes; it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistakes to me.

Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever have asked and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10-hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers, even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,

Jeff.

Image via Shutterstock

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Jeff16185

Jeff is a recent grad living and working in the Chicago suburbs during the week, while getting rowdy and blacking out in the City on weekends. Enjoys a cold beer, good company, and watching a Bears/Blackhawks/Bulls/Cubs game.

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