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A common theory about parenthood is the instant upgrade to “dad strength” upon the arrival of your offspring. That’ll be the most referenced joke your friends without kids will use upon the first time they see you post-birth “Ah, so are you super strong now ha ha ha I’m fucking unoriginal.” And while you grew up knowing that no matter what, your dad could kick your ass, what you need to know is that dad strength is a real thing, but it’s earned, not given. Upon the exit of your bank account leech, I mean lovely child, you’ll be subjected to an intense workout in order to accumulate your dad strength. I’ve laid out the basics for you, so whenever you do take the parenting plunge, you will be prepared.
Don’t Touch Thats
The “Don’t Touch That” or DTT is a short name for the sprinting exercise otherwise known as “Oh, holy shit kid what’re you doing don’t touch that!” The DTT is the most common form of cardio in parenting. This exercise will usually come into play when you’re reading a PGP article on your phone, or paying special attention what’s on TV, or literally just looking away for one second. Upon turning your focus back on your mobile child, you’ll find them either halfway up the stairs, trying to place a paper clip in an outlet, or chewing on a nice hot plugged in wire. DTTs allow you to keep your agility, despite the natural rapid 15 years of aging that fatherhood causes.
Multi-Taskers
Soon after your partner bops out your precious bundle of tears and shitty diapers, you’ll find that your child loves to be held, and doesn’t give a shit what else you have to do at the moment. The Multi-Tasker will replace curls and any other arm exercise in your gym routine. Even the most mundane tasks, such as getting your mail, taking out your trash, or picking up literally anything, become ten times harder when having to balance a wriggling infant/toddler in your arms who uses every ounce of it’s weight to make sure that you’re having as difficult a time holding him/her as possible. This also can double as a replacement for squats, as combining balancing an infant while making a perfect form squat to pick up whatever object they just threw is much harder than it looks.
Rock n’ Sways
A full body endurance workout that combines patience and stamina, Rock n’ Sways likely occur in the early AM, when your body is at its most exhausted and vulnerable state, and your child will not fall back asleep. You may be rocking your impossible-to-please child for as long as an hour, swaying and doing side lunges, as well as fighting exhaustion in your arms. While you think that babies are light and easy to hold, when you’ve been holding one for 45 minutes and fear any slight movement will cause it to wake and unleash a furious scream, it’s pretty damn strenuous.
Knee Bouncers
Throw out calf raises, because Knee Bouncers are the new calf molders for you, dad. In one of your many attempts to please your child for even five minutes, you’ll discover that for some reason that this small human being enjoys being bounced on your knee for an extended amount of time. It’s uncomfortable for you, causes a burn in your calves, and you can’t understand what the fuck is so enjoyable about this for a child, but hey, #gains right? This exercise also keeps your reaction sharp, because you’re one spit up or spontaneous shitty diaper away from having to dodge a bodily function like The Matrix.
Baby Toss
The penultimate dad strength builder, the Baby Toss builds muscle and helps you develop explosive strength. You’ll soon learn that your child loves being tossed to a high distance, because he/she is yet to realize the inherent danger of being tossed by someone who’s likely running on three hours sleep and a couple cups of coffee. Regardless, you make a go of it, and dammit, tossing a baby to somewhat unsafe heights and catching the equivalent of a live 32 inch TV when it comes back down will beef you up faster than pumping iron with Jose Canseco. Tossing your baby in this likely unsafe fashion will lay the groundwork for making sure that your child fears your strength during his/her teenage years.
*Please consult your physician before attempting to maximize your Dad Strength..
Image via Shutterstock
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
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Everybody talks about the “dad weight” you gain after your first kid.
Shit, I was in the gym wayyyyyy more often just to get a break from that little rascal. Lost 10lbs in the first 2 months
So that’s how my dad built the strength to throw a floor jack across 20 feet of garage with no problem.
Sick post.
You’re so wack, bro