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The Job Description

To a business contact:

My day to day functions in my sphere of influence are quite simple really. I am able to use my finely tuned networking and social skills toward synergizing a more streamlined work environment for my peers, all while keeping my production and personal brand high. My main duties consist of creating and optimizing various reports both internally, and for clients, as well as actively expanding our client base into industries and niches we do not serve currently. While these duties do not line up exactly with my concentrations from my undergraduate studies, the training and adaptation process was very straight forward, and I was fortunate to have excellent mentors within the firm to guide me along. With that, combined with my naturally expedient learning style, I was able to formulate productive and efficient work patterns to ensure that I always had my ducks in a row. I have even been able to work some spare time into my schedule to further expand my professional network, as well as stay on top of the day’s current events. While not strictly in my job description, I feel that a main part of this industry is having a comfortable network of contacts, and keeping that relationship healthy requires you to have more in common than just business. Only then can you have a fully synergized and well-oiled corporate partnership. Diligence has always been my watchword, and I strive to bring the utmost efficiency to my work. I am never one to miss a deadline, and have created a stellar prioritization system that does not allow me to fall behind. While extremely challenging at times, I embrace those challenges that this career has set in front of me. Most of the time it leaves me drained at the end of the day, but each morning I rise, excited for the opportunity to advance my career beyond my wildest dreams. Plus, nothing makes a round of golf feel better than having thrown down all the challenges and hardships of the week and emerged victorious.

To Mom:

Don’t worry, mom, they’re not working me too hard. Yeah, it’s tough sometimes, but I have settled into a very manageable routine at the office which helps me stay on top of everything. Won’t lie to you, I hate cold calling. It’s sucking the life out of me, but I guess that comes with the territory of being the entry level new guy. The boss is really starting to like me. I always seem to be at a convenient break in work or have a few minutes to spare when he needs something done quick. Let’s hope my luck holds up so I can stay on his good side. Talked to Mike earlier, he says hello, wonders when I’m going to go out and visit him. Ask Dad if he can try and swing some spare frequent flier miles for me to use later in the summer. Also, tell him thanks and that I shot 82 on Saturday. I’ve got a few good courses out here I’ve scouted for him. Love you.

For real:

Basically, I sit at my desk all day with my thumb up my ass, working quite hard at creating the allusion that I am a competent and productive member of this company. When I am doing what the company pays me to do, I perform a multitude of remedial tasks with the intelligence prerequisite of a mediocre high school student with severe undiagnosed attention deficit issues. I’m supposed to be cold calling and formatting spreadsheets, but, let’s be real here, that only happens when my back is to the wall. I’m pretty sure if they knew that all I did was Gchat and read ESPN articles they would fire me in a heartbeat. When I get asked to do a specific task for my boss, of course I jump right on it to keep him impressed. Anything else is “going in the queue.” If it wasn’t for this city’s debilitating cost of living or my excessive alcoholism, I would be able to get by at a job that is more fun, but I have to pay the bills somehow. My whole life is consumed by this 9 to 5 prison that I’m in, leaving me a depressed shell of my former self the rest of my days. At least I know that every one of my friends from college is in the exact same boat, and thank God for Dad’s credit card so I can play golf once a week to clear my mind.

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