The Inner Monologue Of A Guy Who Ripped His Pants At Work

The Inner Monologue Of A Guy Who Ripped His Pants At Work

It was just another Monday. I was just coming off a nice vacation with my girlfriend, and I was ready to get back on the grind. I was already dreading returning to work, looking at a mountain of an inbox to clear out, and then my whole world came crashing down. I ripped my pants.

Another day, another dollar. Glad I got in early this morning so I can catch back up on everything.

Wow I’m gone for two days and this douche bag steals my parking spot.

Got my coffee and I’m ready to crush this Monday. Daddy is back at it.

65 emails?! This could take a while.

I don’t even know why I’m copied on half of these.

“I know you’re on vacation but…” No. Just no.

Too tired for this. Time for a refill. I wonder if my office mom is in yet. I need to drop by her office and tell her about my trip.

“Hey, you’ve got quite the hole in your pants. Like, you may want to go check that out.”

Oh no. Oh please no. My worst fear. It’s one thing to rip your pants at a party, but at work? This is bad.

Who all has noticed? I haven’t stood up since my office mate came in. I didn’t see anyone on my way in.

Oh yeah, the lady at the front desk definitely saw. No wonder she looked at me funny.

Do I tell my boss? He’s a nice guy. He may have a solution.

Do I embrace it? Do I walk around and flaunt it? I’m all about a good power move.

Totally forgot about that meeting this afternoon. I’m pretty sure some customers will be in attendance as well. That’s gonna be an issue.

Great, some guy just popped his head in my door with a stapler and said he could fix my problem. Thanks, office mom, guess you can’t trust anyone.

I really really really need to go to the bathroom but that will be a long embarrassing walk.

Maybe I can just pee in a water bottle.

What time is it? 9:30? This day is lasting forever.

That’s it. I’ve gotta get to the bathroom. Maybe I can just tie my jacket around my waist like a 13 year old girl.

I look like Rachel from Friends but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Maybe I can just hide in the bathroom all day.

What am I going to do for lunch? Way too much risk to go get something.
Found some cashews in my arsenal, but this is just not going to cut it.

Peyton Manning’s retirement press conference is today and I have to see it.

Daddy is hungry.

Why do I keep calling myself that?

How did I even rip my pants anyway?

I did lose a hole when I was putting my belt on last week. I really need to do better with this whole diet thing.

Wow I’ve gained enough weight to rip my pants. That is depressing.

Today sucks. I just want to go home.

Someone just emailed me the ripped pants song from Spongebob. How is this spreading so quickly?

It is a war zone out there. I think Donald Trump would be safer at a Black Lives Matter protest than I am in my own office.

Time check. 10:04. This blows.

Stay strong. You can do this.

Nope I can’t do this. I’m calling my boss.

“Hey Bill, don’t laugh too hard. I ripped my pants. I think I’m gonna head home for the day.”

Wow I don’t think I’ve ever heard him laugh this hard. At least he’s letting me get outta here.

10:30 and I’m already headed home. I can dig it.

Might have a funeral when I get home because those were my favorite pants.

Time to walk out of here. Trying to embrace it.

“Hey man, nice pants!” “You eat a little too much on vacation?” “Those pants are tighter than my daughter’s!”

Whatever. At least I get to go home early.

Image via Shutterstock

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Just a big dude from Virginia who loves Dale Earnhardt, guns, and eating red meat.

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