The Inner-Monologue Of A Guy Who Needs To Go To Bed But Is Watching A Close Basketball Game

Screen Shot 2015-02-19 at 11.53.52 AM

Seven point game, we got this.

*timeout* These guys are done.

I’ll still be able to grab a solid seven hours of sleep, too.

Clock doesn’t start until someone touches the ball. Don’t just let this asshole watch the ball roll to half court before he picks it up.

*checks clock, becomes antsy*

Okay, we’ll concede two points.

Full court press. Find the open man. Fuck.

*watches team turn over ball*

Okay, up five — we got this. Just don’t foul. Be smart.

*opposing player makes fifteen-footer, is fouled on the shot* Fuck.

Missed it. Still a three-point game. *timeout*

Alright. One-possession game with forty-four seconds left. We got this.

Let’s kill some clock and put up a good shot.

*watches player back-rim seventeen-footer six seconds into the possession*

Timeout. *paces around living room*

I’ll go ahead and brush my teeth so I can crash when this thing is done.

Please stop them. I need this.

Tie game. Fuck everything about my life.

Alright, boys. End it here.

*watches broken play end with off-balance thirty-five footer* Overtime. Super.

It’s just five more minutes of basketball. I can sleep in a little bit tomorrow.

That was a good, hard foul. Way to send a message.

Please don’t review this. It wasn’t flagrant.

They’re reviewing it. Fuck.

*watches six minutes pass*

Like I said, it wasn’t flagrant.

We can’t guard anyone.

Down six with two to play. This should end well.

*shot clock malfunction*


Down six with less than a minute. We have to foul.

*watches immediate foul*

Missed the first. There’s still a chance.

YES! Missed the second. Wait. Lane violation. Fuck me.

Down seven. Need a quick three.

BANG! And the foul! Four point play! My life has purpose again!

*player misses the free throw* Two-possession game.

Another foul. I’ll be worthless tomorrow.

Six-point game with eighteen seconds remaining. Crazier things have happened.

*watches player get to the basket for layup with ease* Shoot the three, pussy.

Yeah, foul the guy who hasn’t missed a free throw in, like, two years.


Down six with nine seconds remaining. It’s over, but I’ve already committed. I’m no quitter.

Oh, hey. What do you know? Three-point game with three seconds remaining.


Just miss both of them, you piece of shit.

*piece of shit makes both free throws*

*goes to bed*

*pulls up Twitter to see what the bloggers are saying about this*

*lies there wide awake, full of adrenaline, for the next hour*

*rolls into work late*

“How ’bout that game last night?”

Image via Aspen Photo /

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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