The Inner Monologue Of A Guy Following Tiger From The Office

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What time’s he even teeing off?

Should be a nice little tune-up for him before the US Open.

Man, he is so due.

Featured group? Nice.

Coworker (Randy): “How’s Tiger Doing?”

“Hasn’t teed off yet. We’ll see what happens.”

Randy is such a cheese dick. He has a computer. He can look this shit up.

Alright here we go.

Buffering.

How do we not have Google Fiber yet?

Man, Tiger looks rested. Bet he goes low.

Practice swing looked good. Love that white Nike Dri-Fit. May pick up a couple of those with my tax refund.

Ugh, just a little late on the release. That’s okay.

Tough second shot, but he’s been here before.

Okay, now we’re working.

I should take this call.

*Takes call* “Ha, yeah. Just livin’ the dream still!” *Dies inside*

What a beating that was. Wonder if Tiger drained that bird..I missed a birdie.

Here comes the Tiger charge!

Man, he needed that.

Man, I needed that.

Nothing gets me more jacked up than a Tiger fist pump.

Hope the back is holding up.

I may just order Jimmy John’s and stream this. It’s freaky fast.

That second cup of coffee isn’t sitting too well. May have jumped the gun on that.

Boom, right down the middle. What rust?

Haven’t heard from anyone today. Hope people are going out tonight. I need it.

Okay, he needs to put this one close.

He does not like that one.

I was sure that he’d go on a tear of winning and pounding after the Lindsey Vonn breakup.

Yeah, he just needs to get out there and sleaze a little more.

Something looked off with that chip.

Dear God, just make the cut.

Hey Dufner is looking good.

Who is this new intern that walks around like he’s hot shit?

Missed the birdie putt. Still in the conversation, kinda.

Something is wrong with my stomach.

Yep, this is happening now. *Power walks to men’s room avoiding eye contact with everyone*

Alright, I’ll check in on Twitter to see what I’m missing…

Oh, of course.

What did I eat?

*Sits down at desk*

Buffering

I need to get some work done.

Tiger needs to focus on making good swings and forget about winning.

He can get it back before the US Open. He’s close.

So close.

Alright. Let’s follow this up with nice little fade down the middle.

Oh no, he’s berating himself.

Was that a GD bomb? That’s aggressive.

I can’t do this anymore.

See you at Chambers Bay..

Image via Shutterstock

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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