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You’re the new guy or gal at the office. Aside from the generic interview, and that “shadow the team” portion of your first couple weeks at the office, you haven’t really had a chance to get to know everyone. Things are still awkward, and your guard is still up. It’s the smart play. You don’t want them to know how Jezelnik your sense of humor is yet. It will come out in time, and that time is almost always the company happy hour. Tread lightly, young professionals.
Tuesday Afternoon
Oh, look another mass email.
Company happy hour. Morale does seem kind of low lately.
Is my Peter Millar button down clean? I need to look tight tomorrow.
I should drink a few beers tonight to build my tolerance.
I drink a few beers every night.
Wednesday, Late Afternoon
Should I go home and change?
No way. Have to charge the bar in business casual.
Tim peeks over his cubicle and asks what time you’re heading over
I don’t want to be the first one there.
You respond by saying that you have some work to finish up, and you’ll be there a little late.
Tim knows you’re full of shit.
Wednesday 6:03 p.m.
Nowhere to park. I hate downtown.
I’ll valet. I can afford it on this 42k base.
No cash on me, though. Guess I’ll be the no-tipping asshole later.
I don’t see anyone I know here.
Oh, great. There’s my supervisor and old what’s her name.
I just met her yesterday. Who are you?
Awkwardly sits down at picnic table on patio.
Tim: “Guess we’re the first ones here, huh?”
You: “Yeah looks like it. Wait, there’s Bill and Ryan.”
Thank God. Please sit down next to us.
Mystery Coworker: “So how have the first few weeks been?”
Vomit.
You: “Really good. Everyone is so nice and helpful. Do we have a waitress out here?”
Need a beer, stat.
Tim: “Yeah, it’s the good looking brunette over there.
Whoa, Tim coming out of the gates hot. Dude is married, right?
Tim: “Take one of mine. I got a bucket. They’re on special.”
Nice gesture, but Dos Equis? Fuck. I’ll take what I can get.
Wednesday Night, 7:45 p.m.
Why am I still talking to Tim and Jennifer? It’s Jennifer right? This isn’t going to get me ahead.
Should I have told that New Orleans story? Everybody gets robbed at knifepoint when leaving a Bourbon Street strip club. It’s relatable.
Is that Mr. Worschel? Boss Man shows up 2 hours later still rocking the suit. Classic power maneuver.
I should switch back to beer. Can’t have him seeing me with this double scotch on the rocks.
Yes I can. This is who I am. He can either deal with it or fire me.
He can either deal with it or let me go with a 3 month severance.
“Mr. Worschel, glad you could make it.”
Why would I say that? That came off as condescending.
“Alright, I’ll see you out there.”
That could’ve gone better, but face time is face time.
There’s Jessica the sales rep. I bet she’s excited to see my young hot face here tonight.
“Hey! You just get here?”
Why would I ask that?
“Yeah, I’ve been here for a while. Got an early start. Heh.” *Failed Laughter*
Jessica makes it known that she’s going to meet some of her friends at Kung Fu Saloon. She does not extend an invite.
“Alright, well I’ll see you bright and early.”
I’m a fucking dork.
I can’t stay here any longer. One more drink and I’ll be asking for a brownout.
I’m just standing here alone like a goon.
Where all the key players at?
Guess I’ll go stand on the outside of tis middle management circle and wait for them to acknowledge me.
*Scrolls through phone waiting for an introduction*
Guess I’ll see what Tim and Jen are up to.
Maybe I’ll order some shots so everyone knows I’m the fun young guy.
Neither Tim nor Jennifer want to do shots.
Welp, I’m a tool.
*Sends out group text*
Wonder what my real friends are doing?
They’re at Kung Fu Saloon!?
Dammit. Jessica will think I’m following her.
I’ve been here for 3 weeks. I can’t let them know I’m a creep this soon.
Fuck it.
I’ll go for one drink then bail.
Thursday Morning, 6:09 a.m.
What did I say to Jessica?
I look like Mickey Rourke.
My car is at the bar along with my dignity.
Whose 214 number is…
Got Jessica’s number.
Probably need to apologize to Jessica today.
Fuck everything..
Image via Shutterstock
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
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42k base?!? Is this entry level? If so, I’d like to apply. I have 5 years of experience.
Hopefully Kendra from “journalism” doesn’t show up
I love these inner monologues
What’s wrong with Dos Equis?
My thoughts exactly. The fuck is this kids problem?
Try this one on for size.. first company happy hour was actually an interview where said company had 25 applicants come to a happy hour and try to talk to the important people wearing certain badges. It was like the god damn hunger games.
“At this point, one more drink will actually help me feel better in the morning because I’ll fall asleep quickly”
If you play your cards right, maybe you’ll get to show Jessica your O-Face
At least he got some digits.
The inner monologue of a guy with a guy at his first company happy hour:
*Let’s find out if this dude’s a little bitch*
Me: “Shots?!”
“Let’s find out if this guy makes better decisions than me.”