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The modern best man speech can be a thing of beauty or an absolute train wreck that leaves a trail of destruction in its path. From 2014-2015, I’ve witnessed 7 best man speeches and was recently on the receiving end at my own rehearsal dinner. Yeah, we did it at the rehearsal to limit the damage, but it may have backfired because a room with 70 people is way more captive than a room of 150 wedding guests. That’s another story for another day, though. This is what the groom is thinking as he takes zinger after zinger during the best man’s speech.
I wonder how hammered he is?
*Looks down at phone and sees “John is hammered.”*
Oh, God. Here we go.
Is he at the bar again?
I wonder if he even prepared something?
If he freestyles this, it could get very ugly.
I told him her family is very religious, right?
I’ve done such a good job at hiding how much of a dirt bag I am, and this is where it all comes crashing down.
Why are the the other groomsmen talking to him and shaking their heads while laughing?
Fuck.
Annnnnnd here we go.
Drink in hand? Nice touch.
Okay, he’s not slurring too badly.
Wow, he went with the balding joke in the opening line? That didn’t take long.
Okay, we get it. I’m out of my league. Everyone can see that.
He’s getting some laughs, so that’s positive.
Where’s he going with this?
Okay, that’s not even what happened.
Borderline defamatory if you ask me.
Another S bomb dropped. Good stuff.
Are her grandparents laughing?
They aren’t laughing.
Maybe they can’t hear him. It’s for the best.
He’s going to black out.
He’s basking in the laughter of my guests at my expense.
That was just mean spirited.
This guy thinks he’s Jeff Ross up there.
*Uneasy laughter*
Don’t tell the Baton Rouge story, please.
He’s telling the Baton Rouge story.
Dear God just make it PG-13.
Okay, he left out some crucial details but that’s for the best.
That girl was kinda big.
I’d give a kidney for another vodka-soda.
I’m taking some of hers. I need this.
WE GET IT. I OUTKICKED MY COVERAGE.
I’m above average looking, dammit.
Look at him up there trying to get sentimental.
He’s not sincere.
Okay, that’s not how we met.
He’s legitimately making things up right now.
Annnnnnd now her parents know I got arrested one time.
One time. BFD.
Mom looks mortified.
Wonder if this wedding even happens at this point?
Tell them about all the times I took your money on the golf course.
If he ever gets married, I’m going to set the place on fire.
Where’s he going with this?
It will be a tiny miracle if he doesn’t spray vomit during this speech.
Tell them about the time you puked chicken alfredo in the back of my car you bastard.
My face hurts from holding this failed smile.
My neck will be sore from all the nodding.
Now I just look like a drunk asshole.
At least they know what they’re getting.
I think I dodged a bullet here. Could’ve been worse.
Her friends think my friends are trash.
They’re right.
I regret nothing. .
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
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“My buddy told me I had to keep my speech G-rated. So…congratulations to the happy couple. Cheers!”
This is disturbingly accurate. The entire time I was mentally begging for him to wrap it up.
He had his weiner out?