The Hangover Olympics


Halfway across the world, hundreds of people are putting their bodies through the ultimate tests of strength and endurance. Throwing themselves down mountains, leaping on ice, sweeping a rock. These people have what it takes to be world-class athletes, but do not sell yourself short; you are just as strong a competitor. Your domain may not be the snow-peaked city of Sochi, but you hold your own on the couch in unparalleled ways. I introduce you to the Hangover Olympics.

Event One: Waking Up

Bronze: You wake up. Expectations for your day are low, as you are likely still wearing a pair of jeans and you do not know where you are. ‘A’ for effort, but you lose out to some more weathered hangover survivors.

Silver: You wake up before noon and recognize your location. Unfortunately, your chances at gold are ruined because you forgot to wipe off your eye makeup. You look worse than Bob Costas did in the throes of pink eye.

Gold: You are surviving, and, dare I say, thriving. You muster the retinal strength to look at your phone screen, which is burning brighter than a thousand suns. Your competitors look towards you as a source of strength, but redirecting their gaze has sent them into the spins.

Event Two: Showering


Bronze: You stumble into the shower and vomit. You are unable to use any shower products because the combination of scents is making you nauseous. After two minutes of standing under the stream of water you sit down on the shower floor, and remain there for another hour.

Silver: You walk into the shower and wash your hair. Everything initially seems promising but you knock over the shelf of bathroom products. The amplified sound of bottles hitting the tile floor gives you a migraine.

Gold: You lather. You rinse. You repeat. Ever the competitor, settling for gold is not enough because you had your mind set on a world record. In the depths of your hangover you are able to pull together the coordination and core-strength required to shave your legs.

Event Three: Breakfast

Bronze: You find a stale tortilla chip on the floor and proceed to eat it. Your gathering skills are finally honed but your competition finds you to be disgusting.

Silver: You make toast. Your fearlessness around heated appliances sends some amateurs into a panic. Your competition is burning their English muffins as your take out the jelly. Even though some food spills on the floor, the judges are impressed that you were able to combine the necessary ingredients.

Gold: You turn on the skillet and take out the syrup. You make pancakes and the crowd goes wild. Eager to impress the judges, you throw some chocolate chips into the mix. This bold move has paid off. You hear your national anthem play as you clean the dishes. Victory is yours.

Event Four: Netflix

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Bronze: Netflix has been pushing “The Lorax” as a popular movie for weeks. You finally cave and click on it. You have nothing to say for yourself.

Silver: “Friday Night Lights.” Tami Taylor’s unfailing advice is all you need right now as you sort through your day. You take comfort in another Dillon Panthers State Championship. Clear-ish eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

Gold: “Sherlock” — without captions. Following along with the plot and the accents requires complete concentration. Somehow you are two steps ahead of Moriarty and five steps ahead of Sherlock. Are you human?

The Winter Olympics happen every four years but the Hangover Olympics happen every weekend. You have countless opportunity to fine tune your sport and improve your training regimen. Make every Saturday and Sunday morning your podium. As for the medals, you didn’t honestly think you were going to be given something valuable, right? You’re a degenerate. Degenerates don’t get nice things.

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Brown rice. Black beans. Barbacoa. Both Salsas. Corn. Cheese. Guac. Lettuce.

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