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Do I suck? Actually, please don’t answer that. I have a fragile ego which means I need to give you some more clarification regarding the original question.
Do I suck for completely understanding why this woman was mad about her caviar being served on plastic spoons at Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort this weekend? For those of you who have better things to worry about in your lives, Twitter decided to flame this woman who posted an Instagram complaining about the suboptimal flatware while dining there on Saturday.
And then, she did the unfathomable. She doubled down and posted another photo complaining about the crackers that accompanied the caviar as well.
I know, I audibly gasped as well when I saw these photos. Not just because of the subject at hand, but also because her aesthetic is absolute trash. Everyone knows that 1. she needed to filter these photos, 2. she needed to take the photo from above the food rather than from the side, and 3. this is story stuff, not feed stuff. Come on. I guess there was a reason she only had 255 followers at the time of posting. Her Instagram game is ghastly.
But I digress. That’s neither here nor there. Let’s discuss why she may have not actually been — wait for it, wait for it — wrong about her disgust.
First and foremost, it needs to be addressed that she wasn’t at the $100K-a-head event that took place at the resort. She was simply eating at the restaurant. If she had paid $100,000 to go to a Trump-sponsored event, I wouldn’t be writing this pity piece in the first place. The attendees faces at that thing looked so plastic-y that it reminded me of a doll of my sister’s that I tried to melt the face off of in 1995.
But if anything, you need to expect a trash caviar presentation at a large-scale event like that. Remember in You’ve Got Mail when Tom Hanks took all the caviar off the display at the cocktail party? That’s just what you do at large events. You’re at a big event and you see caviar or deviled eggs? You eat as many as humanly possible in the most savage way you can. Day one stuff. Same with prosciutto on charcuterie boards. That shit goes fast. Complaining about it would be as in poor taste as Tom Hanks literally scraping the caviar plate with a teaspoon in front of Kathleen Kelly.
Now let’s get to the nitty-gritty here. I’d say that I’m not an expert on this kind of stuff but, well, I kind of am. There was a time in my life where I sold high-end home goods, hence why I wrote an entire piece about Gwyneth Paltrow’s hungover brunch table setting without having to look any of it up. Meanwhile, in the time since I left that job, I’ve re-watched Frasier‘s “Roe To Perdition” (S10, E08) episode dozens of times. It’s a top-two episode.
What I learned from that episode? If you have grade-A caviar in front of you, you better cherish it. Yes, spending hundreds of dollars on fish eggs is downright irresponsible. But if you have the bankroll to do so, shouldn’t you expect that your $300 fish eggs come out on a silver platter and fed to you with the same silver spoon you were born with in your mouth? You’re paying for more than just the caviar; you’re paying for the white-glove experience.
Hell, I won’t even eat soup with a plastic spoon let alone Uragueian Black River Russian Osetra caviar. Toxins and stuff, you know how it is. And that’s not even to mention how fast and loose you have to be to use plasticware in the first place. All of those spoons are going to end up on that floating plastic island in the Pacific. I’ve never seen Trump’s taxes but I assume he can afford some reusable mother of pearl spoons and a few dishwashers to shine them up from time to time.
Don’t condemn this woman for posting this trash to her Instagram page. Condemn Trump for ruining the environment and disrespecting a delicacy. It’s more fun that way anyway. .
[via The Cut]
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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This is correct. $200,000 membership fees and it’s not a gold spoon? Not gonna cut it, Trump.
Actually Will, you’re NOT supposed to serve caviar with silver spoons and Silver platters as you describe above.
Silver and other metals react when they come into contact with the caviar, altering it’s flavor.
So, it’s best to serve caviar with mother-of-pearl, gold (an inert metal), stone, wood or, in place of all others, plastic.
Though Donnie Strumpet and the caviar gang should have had a little class and served with mother of pearl, plastic is technically more correct than Silver or other flatware.
Good column, though!
“I’ve never seen Trump’s taxes but I assume he can afford some reusable mother of pearl spoons and a few dishwashers to shine them up from time to time.”
Red caviar > black caviar. Tastes much better and you can buy like 5 pounds of red for the cost of an ounce of black.
Did NOT think we’d go from talking Patriots pass interference to red vs. black caviar. What a Monday.
Busy season, man. The more stressed I get at work, the hot my takes on PGP get.
The hotter*
Really great work here. This is rivaling what I would expect from T&C.
Should’ve blocked Instagram on their network filters. That’s what I would’ve done
She might be able to dine with the finest at Mar-a-lago but her Instagram posts got nothing on yours, Will.
Put a little caviar on top of your deviled eggs. GAME. CHANGER.
I mean considering the coin you’d have to spend in order to attend, I’d be pretty pissed too…
Read *clap emoji* the *clap emoji* column *clap emoji*
(This wasn’t meant to be sassy but she didn’t pay the $100K, sry.)
Now, I don’t know the intricacies of mother-of-pearl flatware, but something tells me you don’t put it in the dishwasher.
You are thinking of dishwashers in the appliance sense. Here, I am talking about dishwashers in the human sense.