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“Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, ‘Come.’ I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.” Revelation, 6:1-8
Those might be the most terrifying words in the New Testament. The Book of Revelation describing the end of the world being brought on by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. A prophesied event that would bring about the end of the world, submit humanity to judgment before God and destroy the universe as we know it.
The four horsemen of the Sunday Scaries pic.twitter.com/rmWTPiB5pr
— Brian (@BrianMcGannon) September 16, 2018
There is another event that destroys your universe as you know it and submits thyself to judgment before God and that is called the Sunday Scaries. Yes. You have sinned all weekend. You casted lots on amateur gladiators, engaged in gluttony on multiple occasions, lusted after the flesh and overindulged in drink. You have sinned before God, and now you must face the Four Horsemen of the Sunday Scaries.
Sunday Night Football
The first seal broke, and the voice of Al Michaels rung out “With that, we have reached the end of the third quarter here in Dallas…again.” For some reason, the Cowboys are on during Primetime again despite having the football equivalent to a loaf of multigrain bread at quarterback. The game will undoubtedly stink and serve as a vicious comedown after binging on Red Zone all afternoon. You are being punished for your overconsumption during the day. Final score: 16-9.
The minute the clock starts ticking, it’s like a sick countdown of your life. Every breath you draw is but a grain of sand passing through the neck of an hourglass. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, as if God himself is mocking you. Oh, you feel bad about yourself? Here’s a 15 minute segment on 27 Doctors Without Borders who were kidnapped and tortured by Somali pirates for 14 months. Worried about your bank balance being low on Monday morning? Guess what? There’s MRSA on everything you touch and you’re a bad hangnail and a door handle away from losing your entire right arm. Think about that for a second.
Mobile Banking App
It’s there. Staring you in the face. Unwavering in its mockery. You can’t remove it from your iPhone’s home screen. That’d screw up the entire aesthetic of your elegant home screen layout. Look at how flawlessly the bottom row flows from Instagram to Snapchat to Postmates and finally, to your mobile banking app. An accidental tap and you’re finding yourself staring at pending charges and doing the mental math on how much of a loss you can take come Monday. Good thing your face is so mangled and bloated from the weekend’s transgressions that Face ID doesn’t even recognize you. Crisis averted.
Netflix’s “Are You Still Watching?” Notification
It’s time for bed, child. You have watched three consecutive episodes of “The Office” and now it’s time to go to bed. Actually, no. We can squeeze in at least one more episode. Well, the autoplay is going to make it three more episodes, but I will definitely fall asleep during the Booze Cruise episode only to be violently woken up by the deafening opening credits song. Guess it’s time for another three episodes. We can function on six hours of sleep. It’s all good. Repeat this cycle until you’re so exhausted that you sleep through the intro or your significant other mercifully turns it off. .