The Five Worst People On Your Subway


When you relocate for a job or graduate school, there are often strange and unexpected challenges you face in your new city. I moved 2,000 miles from Texas to the East Coast. Without a doubt, the biggest culture shock–okay second biggest, the whole “no happy hour” thing is the worst–was public transportation. And so, in no particular order, here are the five worst people you sit next to on the subway.

1. The Nerd Posse

I wish this was a joke, but I sat next to these guys the other day. They travel in packs of at least three. They are usually dudes, although there’s a token girl on occasion. I overheard them discussing, in depth, Dungeons and Dragons or particle theory. Clearly, these are the guys who didn’t get into MIT.

2. The Ambiguous Homeless Person

There are times when I honestly can’t tell if they are homeless or not. They talk to themselves, have a few too many plastic bags, and look dirty. I don’t want to get close enough to see if they smell–on second thought, maybe they are hipsters. But I’m not sure.

3. The Go-Getter

The go-getter has his iPad out even if he’s only going two stops. He usually wears some sort of leather satchel, which compliments his leather loafers. How much work are you really getting done right now, buddy? Oh, and that’s the fifth time you’ve elbowed me in three minutes, but I guess you were too busy to notice.

4. The Sluts

It’s 19 degrees outside and snowing. I can see your ass because the skirt, dress, or oversized shirt you’re wearing was clearly made for someone half your height. Maybe all that eyeliner kept you from seeing how inappropriate your outfit is? I don’t know. These girls usually talk obnoxiously loud, but the plus side is that makes it much easier to eavesdrop.

5. The Pregamers

During game day, these fanatics deck themselves out from head to toe. Apparently, along with manners, no one ever taught these geniuses the true art of pregaming. Five guys, one coke, and an assortment of mini bottles of whiskey–I mean, really? There are easier ways, sports fans. How about you drink a man-sized amount of alcohol before you go yell at women and children about how great your team is?

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Graduated, tried out the real world, and went back to school for a graduate degree. What was I thinking?

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