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It was bound to happen. After almost three months of fun, casual date nights, then more serious double dates with friends, then the DTR conversation, I am officially cuffed. Or, at least, I was up until last weekend. It was an innocuous enough evening, meeting a group of her friends out at some bars where we drank way too much alcohol. Some of her friends left to make out with boys, others left because liquor plunged their souls into darkness, and some–like myself and my lady–left because the fun times came to an abrupt and unpleasant end.
Yes, that’s right folks. The lady and I had ourselves our first honest-to-God, old-fashioned drunken fight. In case you’re fretting, I have returned in one piece, physically. Emotionally, I am broken beyond repair, but that was true before the occurrences last Saturday night. For those who have been fortunate enough to avoid ending your evening out with a capital-S Scene, let me enlighten you how this usually goes.
Denial (aka the “Let’s Please Not do This Here” stage)
We are out in public here babe, let’s not…No, no, I don’t want to have this discussion right now…Because we shouldn’t be airing our dirty laundry out in public. How about I grab us an Uber and we can go home…No I’m not trying to talk down to you I’m–I’m just trying to make sure neither of us is embarrassed in front of your friends okay? So just say goodbye to everyone and I’ll go outside to get our ride okay? Thanks, sweetie.
Oh Jesus Christ this girl is all over the place right now. How did we even end up in a fight? All I said was I was going to get each of us a water. It’s not like I came out and said: “hey you’re totally slammed in front of all your friends and maybe you should tone it down.” It’s no big deal, dude, you did well to defuse the situation. She’ll have a car ride to stew and ruminate on what you said as she gives you the silent treatment. By the time you two are home, you can apologize–even though you did nothing wrong–she’ll apologize, and you’ll both go to bed happy.
Anger (aka the “That was Way Below the Belt!” stage)
You are beyond crazy! You are institutionalized, straight-jacket, padded room-level crazy now…No I’m not being demeaning to you…I don’t think you’re not smart enough to take care of yourself, everyone gets drunk and pushes their limits…Okay, so what next time I’m cool to just leave you there when I don’t want to deal with your bullshit antics?…Because at the end of the night I know I’m the one who is going to have to clean the whole mess up so I’m trying to mitigate…You’re just not being rational at all!
Keep it together JayTeezey, she knows she’s wrong and she’s just trying to bait you. Just keep your voice under 70 decibels, don’t call her a bitch, whore, or…that other word that we will dare not even mention and you’re fine. Wait, what was that she said?
Wait, what did you just say?…Oh, my God, I cannot believe you could be that big of a bitch to bring that up!
Dammit! Okay, look just work in an apology, that was not cool, but make it clear that comment was uncalled for.
That is bush league dirty fighting right there…I know, I shouldn’t have used that word and I apologize, but you cannot talk about that sort of shit to attack me! It’s just massively fucked up!…No that’s not part of me not respecting you as an independent woman! That’s me calling you out when you pull some shit on me. You know I respect you, I’m just there to support you. To make sure you don’t do something stupid or dangerous. I’d expect you to do the same thing for me.
Whew, nice recovery right there. The Russian judge is gonna dock you a few points, but you stuck the landing. Bring it all right back on point and end this quickly.
Bargaining (aka the “Just Tell Me What You Need to Hear” stage)
90 minutes?? How have we been having the exact same discussion for 90 minutes? Oh God I just want to go to sleep.
No I don’t want to just “go to bed.” We need to resolve this before it festers and…No please don’t do that…It’s some passive-aggressive bullshit. I don’t want to have you still being angry at me, and I don’t want to be frustrated with you over something so inconsequential…Honestly, I think you’re just reading too much into this, I don’t think that at all…No I do understand it can come off like that, and I just want you to understand that I did not mean it that way at all…But why does it not even matter? What I mean is just irrelevant to you? You care more about how others perceive us together than how I actually feel?…So then what the hell am I supposed to do? Once I say something that pisses you off that’s it?…How are we supposed to work out issues if you think that’s how we communicate.
I will pay any amount of money to switch lives with someone right now.
Depression (aka the “How Do I Deal with a Crying Girl” stage)
You shouldn’t feel stupid…No don’t say that, I…I don’t think that at all, and I never want you to feel like I don’t completely support you…You didn’t screw everything up, I never said that at all!…Honestly no, it’s not that bad. You didn’t say or do anything that anyone will give a second thought to.
Can I switch lives with myself 20 minutes ago? God the double-speak and pseudo-riddles were a paradise compared to this.
No, no I don’t care. We’re both drunk, we both said and did some things that we wouldn’t normally do…No, of course, I’ll forgive you for that, don’t worry.
Yeah sure I’ll forgive you, but I’ll definitely remember that you sunk down to that level when we fought. A Lannister always pays his debts.
No you’re not the only one who feels like that…Yeah, it’s absolutely hard on me too…I don’t know if this is normal either…No I don’t want to end things at all I just–I wish I knew how to show you that I don’t think that at all.
Acceptance (aka the “It’s Over…It’s Done” stage)
I’m sorry too…No I said some shit that I shouldn’t have and I probably was being condescending or snarky without meaning it. I’ll try to work on that…Just we need to make sure that we have a way to work out these issues going forward…It’s fine, it’s fine I’m just so ready to go to bed.
Jesus thank God that’s finally over. Christ, I just want to sleep for eleven hours and then order in some pancakes. You think she’ll be down for that?
Wait what did she just say? Oh God, did she just drunkenly drop the “L” word? Shit shit shit, what do I do? She’s staring at me now…come on Josh think! I can’t do nothing, we just ended the fight. If I don’t say anything I’m a complete schmuck, but am I supposed to just say it back. What if she didn’t mean it? She’s drunk. And do I even mean it? Oh God just say something and go to sleep immediately.
Yeah, you too.
Fucking nailed it.
I would find out the next day that I had, in fact, not nailed it. .
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