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My wildest dreams have come true. This summer my love, my queen, and my goddess, Chipotle, has come out with a rewards program. Considering that in any given month I probably consume four to eleven Chipotle entrees anyways, this is an ideal situation for me.
We should all celebrate and unite under the blessed burrito. It’s election season and because of that we all essentially hate each other, but dammit we are Americans and a house divided cannot stand. Burritos may be “Mexican,” but the Chipotle build your own burrito concept is purely American, and there’s nothing that screams “consumer based economy” like piling any huge pile of meat and variety of toppings into a tortilla or a bowl. Therefore, the simplest solution is that we unite under the burrito, since the burrito, pizza, beer, and wine are the four cornerstones that hold together modern America. We should celebrate our burrito diversity, for we all enjoy the holy burrito in our own way, yet it is something we all love.
1. Burrito Patriot
First and foremost, there is the au natural. This burrito patriot eats their burrito or burrito bowl as served, with no additional condiments or sides. These are good people—they order quickly and get out of line quickly so you can move on with your own order. It’s a little plain for my tastes but I respect it nonetheless.
2. Condiment Guy
Then there’s the person who has to top every bite with some additional condiment. I admit to being this guy, as I cannot eat Chipotle without dousing every bite with smokey chipotle Tabasco. But it doesn’t have to be Tabasco. It can be one of the salsas or a side of guacamole. Anything to spice up the ‘rito. In some other restaurants that shall not be named, you can dip in a side of queso. Whatever makes you happy.
3. Bowl Guy or Gal
Then there’s burrito bowl only guy (or girl). They insist on only eating burrito bowls for one of two completely opposite reasons. Either they think that the tortilla adds too many carbs or calories to their massive entree (it actually is quite a few calories if you’re into the calorie counting thing) or they acknowledge that you can fit far more burrito fillers into a bowl than into a burrito, which is true unless you have one of the few, coveted pro burrito rollers. We all know the best burrito roller at our local Chipotle, and I often insist on them doing the honors.
4. Quesarito Guy
Don’t forget quesarito guy, and it’s almost always a guy, as the quesarito is generally the size of a small woman. He found out about the quesarito on the “secret menu,” and although the cheesiness is about the same as if you just had them put extra cheese in the burrito, the tortilla is a little sturdier and holds together better if you fill it to the brim with double meat. This is the same guy who orders a triple triple at In N Out Burger and knows the Starbucks secret menu as well. He is a true American hero.
5. Calorie Counter Finally, there is salad or kids meal girl. Now I’m not throwing stones, I totally respect this eating category. While guys will generally eat any volume of food you put in front of them, women at least have a decent gauge of maintaining relative healthiness. If you think I’m being sexist, married men, on average, live longer than unmarried men. Why? Not because twenty years of marriage gets you battle tested for later-in-life illnesses, but because their wives insist they eat healthier. That being said, the salad or kids meal girl wants to enjoy all the beauty and glory of the burrito with only a fraction of the caloric guilt. Or a regular Chipotle portion literally cannot fit inside their stomach.
There are many other other burrito consuming methods in America—I’m just naming the ones I’ve observed in my scores of trips to Chipotle. We should all unite under the burrito and remember that America runs on burrito comas and cilantro rice. Chipotle Bless America..